or storms or flying. He wasn’t even afraid of pretty girls.”
That made me crack a smile. “What finally scared him?”
“I think he had little doses of fear when he and your mom were dating. They were young and learning how to build a relationship. That’s bound to be rocky. But even marriage didn’t truly scare Charlie. Just like your grandad, once he set his mind to something, he was relentless until he got what he wanted. And what he wanted was your mom.”
“Do you think they just knew?”
She nodded slowly. “I think they did. They knew what they had was special, even before they were ready to make it official.”
“If marriage didn’t scare Dad, what did?”
“Fatherhood,” she said with a smile.
“He was afraid to have kids?”
“Oh, no. He was excited to have a baby. The whole time Lena was pregnant with Asher, he was the happiest, proudest father-to-be you’d ever seen.” She paused, smiling again. Her eyes were unfocused, like she was reaching back in time and seeing things as they’d once been. “It wasn’t until Asher was born that Charlie really learned about fear.”
“How?”
“There’s something about holding a newborn baby in your arms that brings it all home. Charlie was so jumpy with Asher, he drove your mom crazy. Always afraid someone was going to drop him or he’d get too hot or too cold. Worried about every little peep he made. Although when it came down to it, those things weren’t what really bothered him. Having a child brought his biggest fear to the surface. The fear of losing the people he loved.”
“And you think that’s my biggest fear too?”
“It’s up there. And a close call can certainly bring that demon out of hiding. But I think there’s something else you’re afraid of almost as much. A fear you carry in your heart every day.”
Reluctantly, I met her eyes. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear what she had to say.
“You have lost people you love, and anyone would fear living through that pain again. But I think underneath that, you’re afraid that you don’t matter.”
“Do we have to talk about this now? I’ve had a rough couple of days.”
“I know you have, but yes, we do.”
I scrubbed my hands up and down my face, letting her words sink in. She was right. I was afraid I didn’t matter. That my life was irrelevant.
“I don’t remember them,” I said, not quite sure where I was going with this. Only that I needed to finally say it out loud, here in this house. “I don’t have a single memory of Mom and Dad. They lived, and did things, and got married, and had a bunch of kids, and I’ve got nothing of that.”
“You were so young.”
“I know. And I know it’s not their fault that they died. They didn’t want to leave us.”
“No, they didn’t.”
My throat felt thick and tears threatened to prick at my eyes. “I don’t even know if I miss them, or just the idea of them. How can you miss someone you don’t even remember?”
“You can, Otter. Because your spirit knew them, and your spirit remembers. Even when our minds don’t hold onto our memories, our spirits do.” She pointed to my chest. “In there. That’s where they still live. They’re a part of you, and they always will be. You weren’t old enough to keep the memories they left you, but they made you out of themselves. Out of their love.”
“Yeah, well, except they didn’t mean to have me.”
“What makes you think that?”
“I know I was an accident. They didn’t plan to get pregnant again.”
She smiled, deepening the lines around her eyes. “When you put your hand on a stone, or the side of a mountain, what does it say to you? It says I am immovable. I am as permanent as the earth itself. But we know that isn’t so. Water flows relentlessly past the stone, grinding it away to sand. Gavin, you have the spirit of water in you. Relentlessly flowing from the mountain to the sea. You were a surprise, but you were also inevitable. There was nothing that was going to stop your spirit from entering this world.”
“Even if they didn’t want me?”
Gram got quiet for a second. I couldn’t quite meet her eyes, but I knew she was watching me.
“Wait here,” she said, finally.
She got up and a few seconds later, I heard the stairs creaking with her soft steps. I waited, the weight on my chest still painfully