never felt so fucking helpless in my life. And then last night I started thinking about how you dying in an icy cold river after a bridge collapses isn’t the only way I could lose you. You could be struck by lightning or hit by a semi-truck or fall off a ladder and break your neck.”
“I don’t think any of those are likely causes of death.”
“Still. The bridge made me realize I don’t want to lose you. Ever.”
I tried to keep the tremor out of my voice, but I felt so shaky. “But Gavin, marrying me won’t keep me from dying.”
“I know it won’t. But if I don’t marry you, someone else is going to, and then I lose you that way.”
“We’re not…” I took a breath, trying to find my bearings. “This is really sudden. We’re not even dating and you want to jump to marriage because yesterday scared you?”
“No, I’m not scared.”
“Yes, you are.”
He shook his head. “It’s not fear, it’s clarity. I’m finally seeing things clearly.”
I stared at him for a long moment. That wasn’t clarity in his eyes. He looked irrational and frantic, not clear.
“Are you? You don’t seem clear to me. You seem afraid and exhausted.”
“It’s fine, I’ll sleep later. And I don’t get scared. You know this about me.”
“You don’t think you get scared, but maybe you just don’t recognize it as fear. It’s okay if yesterday scared you. It scared all of us.”
“Sky, I get it, this is out of the blue. But I can’t…” He trailed off, running his fingers through his hair. “I can’t lose you. I didn’t buy a ring yet, but—”
“Wait.” I held up a hand. “Slow down. I thought maybe you’d tell me you want to be more than friends and give us a real shot, but marriage?”
“Gram called you Sparrow.”
“What?”
“She calls you Sparrow. I should have realized, but I didn’t until last night. She doesn’t give everyone a nickname. It used to just be me and my brothers and Grace. But that’s the thing, she’s a fucking psychic or something. She knew Asher would marry Grace, even when they were kids. That’s why she always called her Gracie Bear. And the first time she met Fiona she called her Cricket. Look what happened, Evan married her.”
“But that doesn’t mean that you and I—”
“Sure it does.”
“Gavin, we can’t just rush in like this.”
“Why not? If you’re sure, why wait?”
“Because I don’t think you’re sure at all. I think you’re afraid and you don’t know how to handle it. You’re not asking me to marry you because you know you want to marry me. You’re asking me because you’re scared, and for some crazy reason, you think a ring on my finger is going to make the feeling go away. It won’t. That fear is still going to live inside you, and until you face it and put it in its place, it’s going to keep eating away at you. Trust me, I know all about fear. I’m scared of everything.”
He crossed his arms and his expression darkened. “Then maybe I’m not the one who’s scared, here. Did your piece of shit ex freak you out so much, you’re afraid to try again?”
“This doesn’t have anything to do with him.”
“No? Could have fooled me. You have a shitty breakup and the next guy has to pay for it.”
“The next guy?” I put my hands on my hips. “Since when are you the next guy? I think you skipped a step or five.”
“You know what, forget it. I’m sorry I had the wrong idea. I thought maybe I was more to you than warm body with a dick, but apparently I was wrong.”
“Are you kidding me right now? Of course you mean more to me than that.”
He shook his head and stomped down the hallway toward the front door.
“Gavin.” I followed him, my heart racing. “This isn’t fair. You can’t marry someone for the wrong reasons. It won’t work. You’re supposed to be in love, not just afraid they’re going to die or marry someone else someday.”
He yanked the door open, but paused and looked back at me over his shoulder. “I am in love with you.”
Those words stunned me into silence, and before I could take a breath to answer, he walked out and slammed the door behind him.
37
Gavin
The first rule of bridge jumping was don’t look down. Same went for bungee jumping or skydiving, or any time you were about to throw yourself off a stable surface into