trapping me under his pleading stare. “Quit the band and come join Barbed Fire. You can be our second guitarist, do rhythm! I'm an idiot for never suggesting it before. I know you always wanted to join.”
My heart was going wild, it had never felt so big and so small all at once. “Wait, Sean...”
“Lola. Please.” His grip tightened on me; I struggled to decide if he was begging me or intimidating me. I didn't like either option. “If you do this, we can both make it big. We'll destroy every stage! Sell out shows! We'll be on top, the both of us.”
Both of us. “I can't just abandon Drez and the others.”
“Relax. They'll find someone to replace you," he said, laughing like I was some delusional child.
My muscles screamed as I ripped my hand away from his. I stumbled backwards into the rain, the cold droplets clearing my head. “They're my friends.” Drezden's scent tickled my brain. “And... more than that.”
Lifting his chin, Sean held the umbrella steady. “You're actually picking them over me. Over my dream that you act like you care so much about.”
“I do care! But you can't expect me to shove them aside like this!”
“What makes them worth more than me?” He was whispering, I was halfway reading his lips. “What makes him worth more?”
The pity in my heart bled away. “He isn't making me choose between you two.”
Laughing bitterly, Sean tilted the umbrella at an angle. He didn't react to the water that splashed across his shoulders. “No? Think about it, Lola! That asshole makes you choose every second of the day! Did you forget that you missed my show at Belly Up because of him?”
He was right. He was right, and it hurt more than if he'd just knocked my teeth out. "He didn't mean to make that happen!" Did he?
Sean spat into the street. “You think a guy like him is worth more than your own damn brother?”
“Stop saying that! Stop acting like it's about any of that!”
“He's an entitled piece of shit!”
I threw my arms down, shouting over the thunder that roared. “You're the one acting entitled! I just wanted us to talk again, for things to be normal! Why are you being this way?”
Rain had drenched us both. It felt like we were the only ones alive in the world right then. Sean mumbled, but I heard him clearly. “Because I care about you. Because I want to protect you.”
“I'm not in any danger, Sean.”
“You really think he isn't dangerous?”
My brain was forever spinning. “Drezden wouldn't hurt me.”
Sean's brows ducked low. “Are you sure? He's got a hell of a temper. Do you actually know anything about him?”
“Of course I—”
“Anything real?”
Gripping my forehead, I focused through my pulsing temples. “What are you talking about?”
The satisfied smile that crawled across my brother's face left my insides twisting. I didn't know this man. “Do you even know his real name?”
Something inside me crackled; exploded. His real name. It left my ears ringing, made me wonder if lightning had boomed inches from me. Drezden isn't his real name.
How had I not known that?
How did Sean?
He offered me the umbrella. When I didn't reach for it, Sean forced it into my hand, curling my fingers around the base like until I held on. “You think you know this guy. You don't know anything about him, not really. He lies and hides from you. He's a deceptive, greedy motherfucker. Okay?”
I stared at my feet.
“Lola. Look at me.”
I did as he asked. There were raindrops perched on my eyelashes; when I lifted my head, they rolled down like tears.
Sean said, “Ask him to tell you the truth. When he won't—and he won't—come talk to me. I promise I'll bring you the answers you need.” For a while we both just watched each other’s pale faces. He moved to leave, hesitating. “Unlike him, you can trust me.” Then he was gone, jogging back to his bus.
In the early, muted shades of the world, I stood alone. My existence was tip-tapping rain, the whistle of wind, and that was all. The water rushed along the road, carrying trash and vanishing into the sewer grates, never to be seen again.
I wanted to be that trash.
I wanted to wash away.
- Chapter Twenty-Three -
Drezden
“Hey, you alive in there?” I asked.
Lola sat up ram-rod straight. Sunlight, streaming in from the small window in the roof of the bus, made her face glow. “Sorry, I zoned out. What was that?”
She's been zoned out