had paid a dear price.
2
Dusk spent beneath a large oak tree. He’d nipped some of his ma’s sourdough bread and cheese, and a half bottle of Riesling from the fridge. Mina spread out a blanket and placed a bowl with dried fruit in its centre. Together, they sat watching the sunset.
The dipping shades of ochre and indigo brought her soft caramel skin to life. It was all he could do not to wrap her around him like a beautiful coat.
“One day, this will be ours.” He spread his legs so that he could tuck her neatly between them and up against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and leaned with his chin on her shoulder. The tips of her chocolate ponytail tickled his cheek.
“I can see our kids running between the vines, our parents sipping wine on the verandah while I cook up a big pot of oxtail.” She tilted her head back, alerting Ray to the fact that she wasn’t wearing a bra beneath her spaghetti-strap top.
His hands slid beneath it and up her belly until they came to rest on her plump breasts and hard nipples.
Ray jerked awake. His body shuddered as the dream reminded his muscles and skin of the sweet love he’d made to her that evening. Sadly, the sensations melted away leaving him empty, alone, and desperately craving oblivion.
Regret stroked his twisted heart, and sweat soaked his pyjamas. Every muscle twitched anxiously; his gut clenched and twisted. All he wanted was a hit.
No! The folds of his arms and the areas between his toes ached for him to plunge a needle deep into them and sooth the yearning.
No! I am safe. I am stronger than my need! I am in control.
He swung his legs off the bed and concentrated on the cool concrete touching the soles of his feet. With shaking fingers, he pinched his earlobes then his cheeks—a distraction technique taught to them at rehab.
Slowly and with purpose, he inhaled, held his breath for the count of five, then exhaled. He repeated this while concentrating on the coolness seeping up from the floor and into his feet and legs. Eventually, the pain let go of his extremities and allowed him more movement.
What he needed was to run, but that was off-limits in the middle of the night.
He’d have to compromise.
Removing his drenched shirt, Raymond dropped to the floor and began with push-ups until his arms burned and his shoulders groaned. He twisted and did sit-ups. When his abdomen screamed mutiny, he once again twisted over and positioned his body in a plank. His roommate continued to snore in the bed on the opposite side of the small room, not in the least bit perturbed by Ray’s physical therapy.
His night terrors were getting easier to cope with now—the longing and hunger for a hit subdued faster, but never truly went away.
The first weeks in the court-appointed rehabilitation centre had brought him closer to hell than anything he’d ever experienced in his entire life.
The pain, the anger, the bargaining, the need … yes, that was something that would never leave him. The need, the all-consuming beast which clawed at its cage, demanding another high.
There were times he’d tried to scratch his skin from his body and others when he’d picked all the hairs of his eyebrows out with his fingers—this had landed him in a straightjacket. The hallucinations were worse. He saw his dead mother in every human he had contact with. One night, he’d fractured his left hand when he’d been convinced Benzile was attacking Mina. And then, it had stopped.
Thanks to a rather spectacular doctor and his team, Ray had made it through his personally inflicted hell and was discharged to Redemption Farm, armed with the mental tools that would help him cope. Plus the farm also offered three weekly AA meetings.
His legs and arms ached and cramped. Ray slowed down to shadow box bringing his heartrate and breathing under control.
Grabbing his towel and toiletries, he decided to hit the shower before everyone woke up. Raymond padded softly across the courtyard to the communal bathroom when movement in the distance, beyond the buildings and closer to the warehouses, caused him to stop.
It was not quite dawn but the half-moon shed enough light for him to see where he was going. Ray slipped into the shadows as he squinted. Someone stood flashing a light out toward the ocean. A light flashed back. Ray could only see an arm, the rest of the person