You writing again?”
“On-only to you.” Ray stumbled over his reply, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, and placed the book on the table.
A soft silence wrapped around the pair. For the first time in months, Ray felt something akin to the peace which had once filled his past and while it lasted, he allowed himself to revel in it.
“How’s sis and Thomas?” He placed his knife and fork together on his half-eaten plate of food.
“Just back from a trip to Australia. She’s working her arse off at that hospital, and Thomas is loving his new job with Interpol.” Derek smiled.
“Do you think I can write to her yet? I owe them both a huge apology.” Ray looked down at his plate.
“Yes. But I want you to listen to me first.” Derek’s voice grew deep and serious, forcing Ray to look his pa in the eye.
“I know you want to make amends, but it’s not always their forgiveness that will enable you to move forward. Apologise if it’s sincere, which I believe it is. I know they will accept it. Then, that is enough. Stop looking for atonement in others when it’s only you who can give it to yourself. You cannot heal if you cannot forgive yourself.”
Ray swallowed hard, clenching his hands together on his lap. Pa was right, but Pa had no idea how hard that simple request was.
“I’ve had to forgive myself for a lot too. I know it’s not easy; it takes time, work, and love,” Derek said as though reading Ray’s mind.
“And what have you done that ever needed forgiveness?” Ray fought to keep the bitterness from his tone.
“Deserted my son in his time of need.”
Ray’s gaze focused on his father’s face. The old man’s bright blue gaze darkened, and the corners of his mouth turned down. “You and Ma were always there for me, Pa. It was me. I chose to ignore …”
His pa quietened him with the wave of a hand. “I was too busy running the farm, hiding from your mother’s diagnosis, and numbing myself to the pain of her loss. I forgot all about my children. I needed to forgive myself for not seeing what was right beneath my nose until it was too late. For a myriad of other times I failed you and your sister, not to mention Mina.” He whispered her name.
Ray swallowed hard, “Did you know?”
Pa pinched his lips together, “Of the two of you? Ja.”
“And you never said anything.” Ray leaned away, not sure how to feel. Did he have a right to be angry?
“I figured you would… but then you ma and…” Pa’s voice trailed off as he looked down.
“Grace has never left your employ. Did you keeps tabs on Mina? That girl…”
“Shhh. Not here. Come lets go walk down our lunch.” Pa rose from the table.
The pair made their way over to the scullery, scraped their plates clean, and rinsed them before placing the dishes on the pile to be packed into the washer. Raymond tucked the book of poetry into his pants back pocket as he lead Pa outside, and they both walked up to the edge of the beach where the cement path ended and the hot sand began.
“You knew she owned this farm,” Ray said.
“Ja. I called in a favour to have you sent here,” his pa confessed, looking him right in the eye.
Ray shook his head and held up his hand. “Okay.” It was all he could utter. The knowledge roiled in his gut.
“You are allowed to be upset with me.” His pa acknowledged Ray’s internal struggle.
“I am. But I also understand, or am trying to.”
“Don’t let that anger eat at you. You need to let it out, in a healthy way, and to know, this was the last tool in my kit. I’m your pa; how could I not always want to save you? It’s not easy being a parent. Often there are no right or wrong decisions.” His pa shoved his hands in his pant pockets.
His pa’s words rung with truth, but Ray was still trying to make sense of the confession and his feelings. After years of burying them under a cloud of highs, it was hard to acknowledge and deal with them.
“Shall we walk?” Ray waved a hand toward the beach.
“Ja, but I’m taking off my shoes first.”
Father and son laughed loudly as they hopped across the sun-baked sand like a pair of idiots. They reached the wet, cool part of the beach where