and his own apartment. And truth be told, he’s probably one of the only people on this planet that has the power to keep me on the straight and narrow. Not to mention, he lives a good hundred miles from Parkview. And If I want any chance of staying clean this time, I need to break free and start somewhere new. Somewhere away from all the temptation and bad habits that I’ve fallen back into more times than I care to admit.
“I know he’s had his issues, but he’s done the program. He’s been clean for a year. And I think it will do me some good to reconnect with him. Now that we’re both sober, that is.”
I can tell she wants to say more, but for whatever reason she doesn’t. Honestly, I wish she would. It’s easier to talk about this than the reason I asked her here.
Knowing I need to bite the bullet and say what I need to say, I pull in a deep breath.
“There’s uh,” I stutter, glancing down at where my hands are folded in front of me on the table. “There’s obviously a reason I asked you here, some things I need to say. A lot I have to apologize for.”
“Okay.” She shifts in her seat, waiting for me to continue.
“I’m sorry,” I mutter the one thing I should have said a very long time ago. “I’m so fucking sorry, Oak. And I know that an apology doesn’t change what happened. That it doesn’t take back what I put you through. But I’m hoping it’s a start.” I take another deep breath and square my shoulders, forcing myself to look directly at Oakley. “I’m sorry for the lies. For the manipulations. For all the times you had to come out in the middle of the night looking for me. I’m sorry for making you worry. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for disappointing you. And more than anything, I’m sorry for the accident. I never should have gotten behind the wheel that night. I wasn’t thinking. I knew I was high, yet I let you get in that car with me, all the while pretending I was in complete control. You trusted me and I betrayed that trust. And I nearly killed you.” I choke around the last two words.
“Jace.” I watch her features soften. Watch the sweet girl I’ve loved for most of my life start to resurface before my very eyes. And I want to hate her for it. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve her pity or her forgiveness, yet here I am, asking for it anyway.
“I know I’m no longer a part of your life.” I push forward, knowing if I don’t get all of this out now I may never. “I don’t deserve to be. The truth is, you’re better off without me. You always were. And I know you think this apology is for me, and while yes, making amends is part of the program, I’m not apologizing to unburden myself. I’m apologizing because out of all the people I’ve hurt, you’re the person that deserves to hear this the most. You deserve to know that you did everything you could. Hell, you did more than you should have. And this,” I gesture around the room, “all of this. Where I am today. What I’ve done. This is all on me.”
“So that’s what this is about?” she asks after a long moment. “You think I carry some sort of misplaced guilt for the path you chose? And what? You’re trying to rid me of that guilt?” Anger seeps out in her words.
“No, that’s not what I’m saying. I just know…you just…you were the person who was always there. The one constantly trying to save me. And I know you. Or well, I knew you. And the Oakley I knew felt responsible for me, even though I was never her responsibility.”
“I didn’t feel responsible for you, Jace. I loved you. Everything I did. Everything I endured; the ups the downs, it wasn’t just for you. It was for me too. For the future we always said we’d have together. I wanted that future. I fought for that future. Hell, I nearly died for that future.”
“I know. And I’ll never forgive myself for that. I’ll never forgive myself for how much I hurt you. How much I hurt myself by hurting you. But I have to find a way to make peace with it. Because I want this,