a long moment. “Yes. But it doesn’t feel like it’s trying to devour me from the inside anymore. It didn’t take long either, and I thought maybe it was strange, but my therapist said I was ready to leave for a long time. That I was allowed to be angry at myself for not doing it sooner, even if it wasn’t my fault.”
Luca took a breath, and he wanted to take Xan by the shoulders and squeeze them and beg him not to believe that anything Max had done was his fault. But he knew that wouldn’t solve anything. Even now, Sebastion sometimes fell into moments where he wondered if it was him bringing out the worst in the people he’d tried to love.
“Everything changed when I left,” Xan said. He rubbed the back of his neck, then stepped away from them and shoved his hands into his pockets. “How I felt about everything changed—except you two. And I can’t explain it,” he added with a tense laugh. “I mean, we barely spent time together.”
“We gave pieces of ourselves to each other that we didn’t share with anyone else,” Sebastion told him. “It meant something important.”
Xan stared down at his feet, but he nodded. “I think I’m a little bit afraid that the more we do this, the more you’re going to see I’m just some kid with a fucked-up past who only kind of has his shit together.”
“And we’re worried you’re going to grow into all the shapes you were meant to be and realize we’re just two old men who can’t give you the life you deserve,” Sebastion said, speaking all the words Luca’s lips and tongue wouldn’t.
Xan’s gaze snapped up and moved between them both. “That’s ridiculous. That’s…”
“As ridiculous as you sound thinking we’d see you as the choices you made during your life,” Sebastion told him. He stepped closer, and Xan didn’t back away. Sebastion brought his hands up slowly, and when Xan breathed out a quiet sigh, he framed his face and held him. “Luca just needs to know you’re willing to try.”
Xan glanced past Sebastion’s shoulder at Luca, who waited, holding his breath tight in his lungs, and then he nodded. “More than that. I’m all in. I just…I hope you can forgive me in the moments I feel scared.”
Sebastion didn’t answer him, he just leaned in and took one of the kisses they had been waiting for so long to give him. Luca’s heart slammed against his ribs at the sound of Xan’s soft moan, and at the way his hands drifted up and curled into Sebastion’s shirt. It didn’t last long, and his husband pulled away with a slow, lingering peck, and Luca understood then exactly what he’d meant when he said watching him with another man was everything.
And it was also terrifying.
But god, he wanted this.
“We should get upstairs,” Luca said gruffly. “I’m really close to having us all thrown in jail for indecency.”
Xan laughed, the sound nervous, but he held out his hand, and Luca pulled it to his lips for a kiss before they headed toward the front doors.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Dear Future Everything,
Both of you are sleeping. I’m deliciously sore from last night, and this feels like forever.
I can’t wait for every single tomorrow we will have, just the three of us.
Love Always,
Sebastion
Sebastion had quite a few regrets in his life, but none of them would ever be dragging the younger man to his hotel room and methodically stripping him down seconds after the door closed. He felt like he’d been waiting ten lifetimes to get his hands on that warm, bare skin, and Xan was so pliant between them.
Luca was more cautious, but he was always more cautious when it came to love-making. His darkened eyes read every shift and every tense like a novel. Sebastion knew the first time would be painfully tender, and he knew they all needed it that way. It would be filthy soon, and rough, and overwhelming.
But in this moment, they were building something precious and fragile that they’d all have to work toward so it didn’t shatter at the first drop.
Luca carefully laid Xan out on the bed, then turned to his husband with a heat in his eyes that was almost startling. His fingers were steady though, as he gently pried Sebastion’s sweater off, then his shirt. He opened the button on his trousers first, then dipped his hand below the waistband of his briefs and curled his fingers around his dick.
“I