try them," I said, taking the first shoe from her.
I put the shoes on and went to stand in front of the three-way mirror against the wall.
With the soft lights surrounding the glass, my image looked dreamy and radiant. In the light, the pink of the shoes looked darker, but somehow it worked together.
"They're perfect," I said.
Whitney, the stylist, smiled and clapped her hands. "Wonderful! I'm so glad we could help you find what you were looking for!"
After I'd changed back into my regular clothes, my mother had insisted on paying for the dress and shoes. When I'd tried to argue, she said, "This may be your only wedding and I want to pay for it, even if it isn't a huge event."
That shut my mouth, not just because she obviously cared about it, but because she seemed to think I was either going to stay married to J.J. for the rest of my life or because she never expected me to marry again if...no, when, he and I divorced.
There was a twinge in my chest at the thought and I took a deep breath. But there still wasn't enough air.
I tried to take another deep breath, but my lungs still felt tight.
The world grayed around the edges and I tried to take another breath.
"Oh, dear," the stylist said, noticing my distress. "Are you okay, sweetie? Do you need some water?"
Mom looked at me, her eyes sharp and concerned. "Let's sit down for a minute, Lee."
I let her guide me to a chair and vaguely heard her say something to Whitney about water.
After the woman walked off, Mom turned back to me. "Okay, Lee, just slow down a minute and focus on that first breath, slow and easy. In through your nose and out through your mouth."
I did what she said, inhaling slowly even though my impulse was to gulp for air.
"Good. Again."
I repeated the process five more times before my breathing returned to normal.
"Better," Mom murmured. "That was a doozy." I glanced at her in askance and she continued, "I think you just had a panic attack."
I blinked and inhaled again, but I didn't speak.
Mom watched me for a moment. "Honey, are you having second thoughts?"
Ha! Second thoughts. More like one hundredth thoughts, but I just shook my head and concentrated on my breathing.
"Did I say something that upset you?"
I blew out a slow, steady stream of air. "Not exactly. Just the idea that I may never get married again if this doesn't work out."
"Honey, that's not what I meant at all. I know you and J.J. have unusual reasons for getting married, but I said that because I hope that y'all will figure everything out and be able to make it work."
I took another breath. "It's okay. I knew you didn't mean anything by it, but it just hit me all of a sudden that this may be it. When the baby is born, if he decides that he doesn't want to be married anymore, I'll be alone."
She hugged me tightly. "No, you won't be alone. Your father and I will be here. And your brothers and their wives will help. And you know Colette will want to be involved in the baby's life. You're going to have tons of help."
That wasn't what I meant, but I didn't say anything because Whitney returned with a small bottle of cold water.
I thanked her and sipped the chilled liquid. It helped.
"Wedding jitters?" Whitney asked.
I just shrugged and she seemed to understand that I didn't want to say anything else.
I leaned back on the settee as my mother paid for my wedding dress and shoes and tried not to cry.
Today was my wedding day.
I wanted to be excited, but instead I was just nervous. And sort of miserable.
J.J. had called me every night since Monday. He hadn't come over, something about wanting to get things organized at his office so he could take the weekend off. Also, he mentioned packing his things.
Just like with marriage, J.J. was the one who brought up our living situation. He said that he was still living mostly out of boxes anyway, so it made more sense for him to move in with me.
I hadn't tried to talk him out of it because I loved my little house and I had so many wonderful memories of my grandmother and the rest of my family there. It would be a little small with the two of us, but there were two bedrooms, two bathrooms, and I had