first into a mouth filling cowpat.
“MMMPAAHH!” I moan, spitting and spitting out crap in order to save myself from choking on poo.
“Oh my god honey get up!” Callum wrenches me under the arms, gets me to my feet and practically throws us both bodily over the low stepping fence. We’re both lying on the ground staring up at all the cows who have stopped just beyond the fence.
“What are you looking at? You stupid fucking cows! Make them stop staring at me, Cal!”
It’s true, the cows are no longer charging, they’re all just standing there staring at my faeces covered face.
I hear snickering and I turn to look at my hero of the moment. After all, my fiancé did just save me from a face full of cow pie, which is not the ingestible sort. Although, I’m not inclined to hold any heroic awards over his head for long, because I think he’s actually laughing at my expense, and not at the cows like I’d thought.
“Are you laughing at me?”
Callum purses his lips together, but I can tell he’s still trying not to giggle. “You’d better wipe that shit off your face, honey. It’s really going to smell once we get home.”
The man who is no longer a hero in my rapidly tear filling eyes, leans back and bursts into laughter at my face full of poopy expense.
***
We aren’t going home. At least not until this misunderstanding is cleared up. And when I say misunderstanding, I mean my fiancé doesn’t understand the peril he’s in for having even giggled at my current poo-faced predicament. One things for certain, my soon-to-be-husband will never again make fun of his betrothed having a her face covered in crap. No one laughs in this girl’s poo infested features and gets away with such a thing scot free. Firstly, Callum is made painfully aware that he will not be having any cuisine meals made for him in the foreseeable future, by me. When I nearly add “no more sex ever” to my list of ultimate payback, my fiancé picks me up off the ground and carries me on foot all the way towards civilization.
“Even if it was my feet covered in shit, I could still walk.”
Callum puts me down at my request, but in no way does he dare utter a single word in retort. He hails a couple of taxis, but when the drivers get one whiff of my face and Callum’s boot, they speed off with a, “no way in hell are you two stinkers getting into my taxi,” wave of hand.
Instead, we both walk all the way around the base of the Worcester Beacon to our terraced home on Court Road. I’m ready to collapse from exhaustion, so I do just that in the back garden. Callum hoses my face off with cold spraying water before spritzing his boot.
“There now. That’s so much better.” I mumble into the patio concrete. “Now carry me upstairs so that you can give me a shower and brush my teeth for me.”
This bit of revenge I’m enjoying might not turn out to be such a bad thing after all. Callum still hasn’t said a word to me, he’s just doing everything I say, no qualms asked.
After an hour of scrubbing down together in the walk-in shower, my fiancé finally breaks his silence. “I’m taking you to hospital.”
“You what?” I’m towelling myself dry after kicking our wet clothes aside into a corner of the bathroom. We’d gotten into the shower fully clothed, before stripping off, and I’m thinking of having my hiking wear burned rather than try to wash it out any time soon.
“You might need antibiotics, honey.” Callum frowns and looks at my mouth. He’s standing behind me so I can see his expression in the mirror.
“I brushed my teeth, flossed, brushed again twice with bar soap, and mouth washed three times. I think my insides are officially free of faeces.”
But Callum isn’t having any of it, and I think I know why. He never wants to kiss me again. Well that’s just fine because after enduring his laughter at my crap stained face, I’m not sure I ever want to give him the privilege of smooching with me ever again either.
My bottom lip starts to tremble with sadness. Callum spots this and lifts me into his arms once again. “What are you doing?” I squeal.
“I told you, I’m taking you to hospital.”
There’s nothing for it. Callum won’t budge on this one. He’s adamant that I