the moist loveliness with a steaming and aromatic hot cup of tea.
Aaahhh. The brew hits the spot nicely with every sip I take. Then, a bite of carrot cake between gulps of warming tea.
“Ah, such a bibelot is not in fine fettle of your prevalent nutritional regime.”
Anika has joined me in the office and for some unknown reason she’s speaking in her own language.
“Sorry?” I look at her, dumbfounded. “Could you say that again in English please?”
“I was speaking English, boss lady. I was saying that the cake you’re eating is not a healthy thing.”
Pausing, I stare at the bite of cake on my fork, then I pop it into my mouth without a care. “It’s bad for my diet yes,” I mumble between mouthfuls. “But it’s very yummy and scrummy to my tummy.”
Anika shakes her head, rolls her eyes and crosses her arms indignantly. I feel a stern lecture coming on and judging by her zealous use of the English language, I have a feeling I won’t understand a word of it.
She opens her mouth, points a finger into the air and lets loose a string of words that were probably added to the Oxford English dictionary only yesterday.
“You’re right, Anika.” I put down my fork having caught the gist of her message. “I did ask you to prompt me if your ever saw me behaving like a naughty girl.” It’s true, I had asked her as a friend to help me with motivational words now and then, should I ever feel the need to sway from anything other than healthy eating habits.
All in the name of wedding dress fitting preparations.
I do want to look good on my wedding day, I really do. It’s just…
Sagging into my chair I sigh loudly at the half eaten cake. Stupid delicious carrot cake, why do you have to be so delish? And why must I always be so weak willed?
The remainder of the day is much the same. I mope around the cafe eating bits and bobs here and there until closing time. I just don’t know if I care anymore. It seems like no matter how much I diet and workout, I still look like a sock stuffed full of size D batteries in every bridal gown I’ve tried on.
Talking of double Ds…
I really need a new bra.
With thoughts of scheduling a brazier fitting, down at my local M&S, I lock up the cafe and leave the premises in the evening.
I mope sadly and depressedly towards my car. Opening the door I chuck my handbag despondently into the passenger seat. After driving home I slither out of the car like a sloth with bipolar disorder heading towards meltdown. In other words, I’m like a lazy sort of frowny-faced girl. In fact, I’m so downtrodden about my weight the first thing I do upon entering the house is head straight into the kitchen. Once in there I indulge in a bit of everything from the fridge and cupboards. By the time Callum comes home in the evening I’m in the foetal position on the couch.
“Are you all right, darling?” Callum enters the sitting room.
“Noooooooooo,” I moan in anguished reply. “I ate too much.”
Parp.
“Did you just fart?”
My stomach hurts too much for me to be embarrassed about letting one loose. Nevertheless, I attempt to hold in any future bodily gas expulsions.
“No.” Comes my reply.
“Yes.” Callum says nasally as he’s pinching his nose shut. “Are you planning on sleeping here, or should I take the sofa? Because I’m definitely not sleeping anywhere near the smell of your arse tonight!”
“Oh shoosh, you.” Somehow, despite the pain in my lower intestines, I manage to pluck a cushion off the couch and throw it at him.
Callum is right though. I think it’s best if I sleep alone tonight. Unfortunately for him it means he’ll have to be the one taking the sofa. He offered. Besides, our bedroom has an en-suite bathroom that I really think I’m going to need to use tonight. All throughout the night.
Chapter 11
Diarrheal city. That’s the life I lived last night. The rumbly in my tumbly had only one similarity with Pooh, and that’s in the silly old Bear’s name.
Basically, I shat myself all night long.
I’d over done it on the junk food front. My stomach and bowels greatly disagreed with my decision to pile crap into my gut. Therefore, I had run back and forth from bed to toilet all throughout the night.
Now that it’s morning and the sun is creeping in