I do a search on Facebook and I’m shown results for the Fat Bitch group page thingy.
“Hurry up!” I yell at my phone when the page takes ages to load. My nerves are on edge. I’m anxious and I don’t even know why.
Finally, the Fat Bitch = Fat Bride page loads. I scroll down through adds for the authors next book: Fat Bride = Jiggly Honeymoon which gives me a sick feeling in my stomach. I vow to never read the author’s follow up book. I won’t have to because I’m not going to be a Fat Bitch Bride! I’m determined not to end up on honeymoon having my fat jiggling everywhere as I try to make love to my new husband!
At last I’ve reached comments from readers of Shield’s book. I’m surprised to find that many of the entries seem as confused as I am. There are a few motivational comments by women who claim they lost weight after reading the Fat Bitch book, but other than those, most of the replies aren’t helpful at all.
“Argh.” I harrumph loudly and throw down my phone in great disgust, just like I’d done with my Kindle. They are digital devices though. Even though it’s a soft cushion I’ve thrown them onto, I really should be more careful with these bits of technology. My Kindle screen has gone dodgy by blanking out a few times already.
“Oh fuck it.” I mumble and pick up the pacing once again. I don’t care about any sort of gadget right now. What I care about is my fat and how it is absolutely plaguing me now that I’ve read that eBook. I know the truth about myself that I should have realised ages ago.
I’m a fat bitch who’s determined not to be a fat bride.
***
I did think it was a bit dodgy that the actual advice on how to lose weight was at the halfway mark of the ‘Fat Bitch = Fat Bride’ book, but I’m guessing the author wrote it that way as she had so much to say in the beginning. And what the book did say, in the front matter, was a lot about how disgusting fat is. They were well-made points by the author. I think. I mean, don’t people who are struggling with weight-loss problems need this type of motivation in their lives? Well, I’m not sure about calling what’s written on the ePages as motivating, but it’s certainly got me feeling. Feeling like a blimp at this point.
As for the actual exercise advice, there’s one tip from the book I can start with right now. Miss Judith Shield suggests doing house work as exercise, so I get right to it.
Instead of turning on the dishwasher, I pull out the dishes one by one and start washing them each by hand. When I’m finished I load them back into the dishwasher and then I turn it on.
There’s a miniscule pile of washing in the laundry room. “Oh well that’s definitely not enough clothes for an entire wash,” I say, making up excuses not to use the washing machine.
I’m slightly aware that talking out loud to myself is a feature of going crazy, but I don’t care. I’m crazy motivated to implement the Fat Bride advice. For added measure, I kick the laundry basket. “Stupid fat.” I shout, again out loud. “I’m going to burn you off my body if it kills me.”
Bending, I pick up the plastic basket that’s not even half full of clothes. I don’t load the washing into the machine though, instead I make my way upstairs. Once I’m on the first floor I head straight into the loo and dump the apparel items into the bath. After dropping the basket onto the floor I remember something from the diet book. It said to wear wrist and ankle weights while working-out for extra fat burning potential.
Running quickly into the bedroom, I don both ankle and wrist weight.
“Ah shit,” I complain, before turning on the bath taps. “These are going to get wet.” Looking down at my wrist weights, I contemplate momentarily before quickly coming to the conclusion that this is a good thing. After all, water will add weight to my wrist weights and then I’ll be able to burn even more fat off my arms!
I am going to wash laundry by hand, oh yes I am. I whip on the tap and fill the tub with warm water. Luckily all the clothes are dark in colour, so