to end it too the next night. But, my God, her smile and the way she laughed at me when I pulled up wearing an old rugby shirt. She thought it was the oddest thing and I’ll never forget the way her soft voice hummed with laughter and it carried into the night. Who was I to take that away? I knew she’d end it with me anyway. I didn’t know it would be after marriage and five years later.
If I could go back to that night, I would change it all.
“I’m heading to bed.” My father’s voice catches me off guard and my body jolts from the memory. I pretend to rub the sleep from my burning eyes and clear my throat to tell my father good night. It’s tight with emotion and it takes me a second to sit up in bed.
“You look like hell,” Pops says.
My head nods and I take a moment to set my feet on the floor. My head is still hung low and my shoulders are sagging as I rest my elbows on my knees.
“How did you keep mom out of it? All the stupid shit you did?” I ask him. I know he led a wild life. He’s got the stories and the scars to prove it.
I lift my head and look him in the eyes, forcing a small smile to my face. “I need to know what to do. I need advice.”
“You can’t. It’s gotta stop.” He shrugs his shoulders, the faint light from the hallway casting a long shadow of him into the room, ending at my feet. “That’s the advice I can give you. Don’t keep a damn thing from her. You should already know that.”
I swallow, or try to, as a ball of spikes grows in my throat. “What if you can’t stop? What if I can’t quit this job and this life?” The image of Tony dead on the floor stays firm in my sight. Even as I blink it away and look up at my father, I can still see him. Overdosed and staring back at me as if it was my fault.
I brought him to that room. The one reserved for partying in our company.
I gave him the coke, but I didn’t know it was laced. And then I left him there to get whiskey and cigarettes.
I brought him to his death.
I can never tell her that. I can barely admit it to myself.
“Did you ever mess up so bad, you thought you could never make it right?” I ask, even though his answer doesn’t matter. I guess I just don’t want to feel so alone.
“We all do; you just find a way. I’m sorry, but it’s the best I’ve got.”
“Find a way …” I say the words softly, barely moving my lips as I look at the edge of the comforter, wishing it were that easy.
“I don’t know what to tell you, Evan. I did everything for your mom, and I’d do it all again. Maybe that’s where you went wrong?”
“What’s that?” I’m quick to ask him, my gaze focused on him and whatever it is he has to say. I’m desperate for an answer to all this shit. I need to take it all back.
“You weren’t thinking about her.”
His words sink in slow, but deep.
I shake my head and agree, “No, I wasn’t.”
“The best thing you ever did was marry that girl.” I nod my head, feeling a jagged pain move through my body. “Worse thing she ever did was let you leave her side.”
He doesn’t know how true his words are.
Chapter Twenty-One
KAT
You left a space beside me,
You left me all alone.
You left a space beside me,
I thought my heart would turn to stone.
You left a space beside me,
Desire creeps in the night.
You left a space beside me,
Lust fills the emptiness just right.
The moon looks gorgeous. The colors of autumn are sitting on the city skyline and the beautiful hues of orange and soft reds travel up to the bright full moon.
It’s early for it to be out, but as I walk away from the townhouse, down the stone steps as the heavy walnut door shuts behind me, I can’t help but stare at it. There’s beauty in nature and having the small bit of it above the city is something I’ve taken for granted for so long.
With each step my boots click on the concrete, until my body stumbles forward and I nearly fall down the last two stairs.
“Shit!” I cry out