In fact, we did that when we were teenagers. Molly claimed she was planning her wedding to one of the actors from ER, Noah Wyle. It’s ironic she ended up engaged to a doctor named Noah.
When she asked me who I imagined marrying, I lied, claiming some singer in a boy band or hot actor. In reality, whenever I fantasized about my wedding, I pictured walking down the aisle to Drew. It took me years to realize my adolescent dream of marrying my best friend’s brother was just that—a dream. Now, as I stand on the precipice of planning my actual wedding, I’m uncertain whether I’ve bid farewell to that dream. I’m not sure I want to, although all rationale says I should.
“Why are you congratulating Auntie Brook?” Alyssa asks.
I snap my eyes to hers, unsure what to say. Telling Drew I’m marrying Wes was difficult. I never imagined having to tell his kids. Hell, I’ve been engaged for twenty-four hours and still haven’t shared the news with my own father.
“Because I’m getting married.” My voice is even. Shouldn’t I be squealing the news at the top of my lungs, ready to burst from the excitement?
“To Daddy?” Charlotte pipes up, no longer interested in the puzzle beginning to take shape on the wood floor.
“No. To Wes. You met him a few months ago when he came over for Christmas. Remember?”
“Why are you marrying him?” Alyssa presses.
I open my mouth, struggling to come up with a response. What do I say? That I’m still not quite sure myself, but figure it’s the next logical step? That seeing Wes on one knee made me realize I never allowed him in, never allowed any man in, except the one who never wanted me, who still doesn’t want me? That marrying Wes is the only way I can free myself from the hold that man still has on me?
“Because she loves him.” Molly brings herself to her feet, standing next to me. I glance at her, seeing her arch a brow. “Isn’t that right?”
“Yes.” I address Alyssa once more. “Your auntie Molly’s right. Because I love him.” I swallow hard, acid churning in my stomach.
“Does this mean you won’t spend time with us anymore?” Charlotte asks in a small voice, her face long.
“What makes you think that?” I crouch to her level. My tone is serene, reminiscent of the one I use with the kids I see on a daily basis, assuring them they’re safe from the abuse they’ve suffered for too long.
“Because you won’t need us anymore. You’ll want to have a family of your own and will forget about us.”
“Oh, Charlotte.” I envelope her in my arms, doing everything I can to ease her fears. “I could never forget about you two. It doesn’t matter I’m not related by blood.” I pull back, meeting her brown eyes. They have small speckles of gold in them, a bit of light in the darkness. Neither Drew nor Alyssa have those. It’s something unique to little Charlotte. “You will always be my family. Nothing will ever come between that. Just because I’m marrying Wes doesn’t mean I’ll spend any less time with you girls. I love playing with you two. That’s not going to stop.”
“Or you can marry Daddy so you can play with us all the time.”
My breath catches at her words. It’s a strange observation for a six-year-old, but in my experience, we don’t give kids the credit they deserve. Their inquisitive and eager little minds pick up on more than we think. I wonder what else she’s picked up on from me…and from Drew.
“These things don’t work that way. Like Auntie Molly said, you get married when you love someone.”
“You don’t love Daddy?”
I pinch my lips together, this conversation taking a turn I’m not prepared for. “Of course I do,” I answer honestly. “But in a different way than I love Wes.”
I pause, my words ringing truer than I anticipated, leaving me stunned. I blink repeatedly, doing my best to stay focused and not think about how different my love for Drew is than my love for Wes. Can my feelings for Wes be labeled as love? Respect. Devotion. Admiration. But love? Love isn’t a word to be tossed around idly. It’s a word that should be given the weight it deserves. It’s the most beautiful and most tragic feeling in the world. I’m not quite sure the way I feel about Wes measures up to that level, at least not yet.
“There