distance between them, and he laid his hand on Fredric’s arm. “Where’s your talking pen thingie?”
Fredric laughed, then showed him his gadget drawer, and Ilan got it going. It was strangely cathartic, to lose himself in the monotony of feeling the shapes of objects, then listen to Ilan record them in the pen. He got lost in the rhythm of organizing—creating without planning, without expectation of more.
It was soothing, having Ilan just a few steps away, and it was nagging at him, because it was a taste of what he wanted. It had never been like that with Jacqueline. Not even in the calmest, kindest parts of their marriage. Even before his stroke, she’d kept him on his guard. There was passion, but there were cracks beneath his feet, and he’d been just foolish enough to believe they wouldn’t shatter.
“You’re quiet tonight,” Ilan said as he finished up with the fridge.
Fredric passed a hand down his face, then nodded. “Feeling…introspective, I think.”
“About the date?” Fredric heard the scrape of a chair as Ilan pulled it out to sit, so Fredric made his way over and joined him. It was late, he was hungry, but sitting with Ilan sounded a thousand times better than anything else.
“I think…all of it,” Fredric admitted as he leaned back. A few moments later and he felt Bas nose his hand, and he gave him a gentle scratch behind his ear. “I think I expected this sort of wild change. Like my enthusiasm to leave my home and start over and make something for myself would be like an explosion. Like I’d see stars.”
“Is that what you wanted though?” Ilan asked very softly, and Fredric couldn’t help a small laugh, because with Ilan, he always felt so seen.
“No, it’s not. And I think that’s why I said yes to that second date.”
Ilan hummed, and Fredric felt the table shift when the other man leaned on it. “Where is he taking you?”
“I don’t actually know,” he admitted, then felt his cheeks heat. “I asked him to figure it out and call me back. I thought about what you said at the garden.”
“You mean when I fucking humiliated myself with my feelings?” he spat, and Fredric heard the pain in his voice.
Unable to stop himself, he rose, counting the chairs until he was next to Ilan, and he reached for him. There was no hesitation in the way Ilan touched him back, the way he took his hand and held it. There never had been. “Is that what you felt? Humiliated?”
“I don’t…” Ilan said, then let out a heavy breath. “You know what, let’s not do this.”
“Ilan…”
“No,” he said and gently pulled out of Fredric’s grasp. “This keeps happening. You keep asking me over here to help you, and my shit keeps getting in the way.”
Fredric reached out again and didn’t let him go far. His fingers tried to find his hand, but missed and hit him in the chest. He felt a rapid thudding beneath them, and he moved his hand up to cup the side of Ilan’s neck. His pulse was just as rapid there, but began to slow the longer Fredric held him still. “It doesn’t matter what I need. If you’re going through something, that’s important too.”
He felt Ilan shake his head. “I’m not saying it isn’t, but there’s nothing you can do about it. Looking back at myself, I’m realizing what an idiot I’ve been. People always told me that it was going to come back and bite me in the ass, and I thought…” he laughed, and the sound was bitter. “I thought I was above it.”
“What was going to come back and bite you on the ass?” Fredric asked him.
“My attitude about relationships and dating. Never letting one person stay the night. Do you know that aside from sleepovers with Julian, I’ve never shared a bed with anyone?”
Fredric’s brows rose. “No, I didn’t.”
“I’ve never held anyone’s hand in public, either. I think I’ve only had like a dozen real kisses in my life, and they were always because I wanted to hurry them along to…” He cleared his throat. “The other stuff.”
Fredric let his fingers drag down Ilan’s arm until their palms touched, and he could feel the tension in Ilan’s hand like he wanted to pull away, but even in Fredric’s loose grip, he didn’t. “I don’t think I need to tell you all the ways I’m inexperienced.”
Ilan laughed. “Uh. No, you don’t.”
“The last time Jacqueline and I had sex,