hummed happily, and they made their way onto soft, sandy grass, and then to sidewalk again. “Are you cool with tacos?”
“I am.” And he was. A couple tacos and a beer felt like just the thing after that disaster. “And I know you want to ask, so go ahead and put yourself out of your misery.”
Ilan held on for a moment longer, but only just. “You like men.”
It wasn’t a question, but Fredric smiled and answered him anyway. “Yes.”
“And that’s just…a thing?”
At that, he laughed. “It’s not something I advertised, but I was known to eye a nice ass in the locker room back when I could. I even had a crush once in college—but I was already married, so it didn’t go anywhere.”
“Mm.” Ilan’s hum was full of his displeasure, but he’d been like that when it came to Jacqueline since the start. “So, you’ve decided to lean in.”
“I’ve decided to take the opportunity to expand my horizons,” Fredric answered him. Ilan’s pace slowed, and then they came to a stop, and Fredric could hear voices, so he assumed they were standing in a line. “I don’t know if I really want to date at all,” he admitted after a moment, “but I wanted to give myself a chance.”
“Well, if anyone deserves one,” Ilan said with all the passion Fredric had come to expect from him, “it’s you. But that, uh…didn’t go well.”
“No, it didn’t.” Fredric let him hang for a long pause. “And I know what you did.”
“I…”
“And we’ve talked about this more than once,” Fredric said, letting a little sharpness sneak into his tone. “I know what he was doing, Ilan. I’m not an idiot.”
“I know.” Ilan’s tone was dejected and ashamed, but Fredric was going to let him wallow for a moment. “He was just…such an asshole. He was fucking flirting with me while he was sitting right in front of you.”
Fredric stopped, then threw his head back and laughed. “He was flirting with you? Oh, that poor bastard. What a terrible choice.”
“Yeah, well,” Ilan grumbled, “I let him know. He agreed to meet me in the bathroom.”
“Well now I just feel sorry for him.” He sobered for a second. “Did you hurt him?”
“Just his pride,” Ilan said, and they moved forward a couple spaces. “And maybe his neck a little, but I didn’t leave a mark. Anyway, what’s he going to do? Tell someone that he was humiliating his blind date to get laid in a restaurant bathroom with a total stranger?”
“Fair,” Fredric said, then smiled. “I suppose he won’t be texting me again.”
“I will fucking break his fingers if he tries,” Ilan said, and Fredric knew that one was all talk. They stepped forward again, and then Ilan read the menu, then reached the window to order. The food was done quick, and he led Fredric across the street, darting fast to avoid traffic, and they collapsed on a splintered picnic bench with something that sounded like a tin roof that blocked some of the wind.
The waves were crashing in the distance, high on the beach with the tide, and Fredric leaned in toward the table and let himself breathe a sigh of relief to be over with that date. “I’m not going to thank you for what you did,” he said, and he heard Ilan make a small, penitent noise, “but I do thank you for the tacos.”
“It was the least I could do. You know I was meaning to call you.”
Fredric hummed through his first bite, then swiped a napkin across his mouth as he swallowed. “Lonely?”
“Actually, yes,” Ilan said, and the sheer, brutal honesty in his voice made Fredric’s heart twist. “But I was going to call because Julian’s losing his fucking mind. He said you moved, and you weren’t returning his calls, and he’s all upset that you won’t come for the holidays.”
Fredric sighed, and he felt some measure of guilt, because he had been doing it on purpose. He used the time difference as an excuse, but the reality was, he wanted to feel like he was something of himself again before he saw Julian and Archer. He wanted to set foot in their cute little flat and be able to hold his head high and prove that he was fine on his own.
He knew Julian would love him and respect him even if he wasn’t, but he wanted to do this for himself. And he wasn’t ready. And he knew he wouldn’t be, not by Christmas.
“I know you’re