long.
He was a coward. The same coward who had run from relationships. The same coward who had taken Fredric into his arms and whispered promises forever, then threatened to set them on fire when Fredric wouldn’t do exactly what he wanted.
Ilan let his fear turn him into the sort of partner who could never deserve a man like Fredric. He’d spent years watching Jacqueline manipulate and control Fredric with vicious promises to destroy his happiness. He’d overheard more than once her threats to take the children from him and vow to leave him suffering and alone for the rest of his life if he didn’t go along with what she wanted.
He hadn’t done that—not even close. But it was close enough, and he had never felt guilt that strongly before in his life. He wasn’t quite sure how to process it, and he wasn’t quite sure how to stop the image of Fredric’s betrayed, heart-broken face from flashing behind his lids every time he closed his eyes.
He was a fucking bastard.
The first thing he wanted to do was drive over there and apologize, but he needed to get his head on straight first. His first thought was to call Julian and confess everything, but he knew that would be going a step too far. He and Fredric had to decide that together—assuming Fredric would forgive him. And fuck, the very idea that he might not get another chance made him feel like someone was slowly ripping out his guts while he sat there and watched.
This situation needed kid gloves, and he needed caffeine.
He let out a frustrated sigh when he saw that his coffee tin was empty. The very last thing he wanted was another delay in making amends, but he didn’t think an hour was going to make much of a difference in the grand scheme of things. He grabbed his phone, then after a beat, pulled up Fredric’s contact and called.
His breath caught in his throat as it rang. And then rang. And then rang.
For a moment, he thought maybe he’d get that eleventh-hour miracle. Fredric would pick up just before it went to voicemail. Ilan would stumble through begging, and Fredric would agree to see him, and then he could begin making things better.
“…for calling. You’ve reached Fredric Pedalino. Please leave a message…”
Ilan dropped his forehead to the counter and groaned, then hung up and groped for his keys. Pressing the sharp metal into his palm, he jabbed his finger over the message icon and decided that whether Fredric liked it or not, he was going to hear Ilan out. And he’d just give him a quick head’s up.
Ilan: I don’t know if you’re ignoring my calls or not, but we need to talk. I have to run a quick errand, but I should be by your place around ten. Please be there or at least let me know where I can find you.
He hit send, then shoved the phone into his pocket and got into the car. It buzzed halfway through the drive, and it took everything in his willpower not to pull it out and read it while he was trying to navigate the morning traffic. His nerves were buzzing, and he eventually peeled into the café parking lot and wriggled around until he could get the damn thing out.
Fredric: Was in the shower. I’ll be here. Take your time.
It was the most emotionless text he’d ever gotten from his lover—not that he deserved better, but he was taking it as his last chance. Fredric would be waiting for him. He had hope, and he was going to cling to it until he could either grab Fredric and never let go or until the universe pried the tattered relationship from his cold, dead hands.
He didn’t want to think the last one was a possibility, so he promptly shoved it out of his mind and hurried inside to get in line. The minutes ticked by, and the baristas seemed to be moving at a glacial pace. It felt like a test of his willpower, but he wanted to take the moment as a blessing in disguise.
He was still terrified to tell Julian—but his night alone had made him realize one very important thing. He wasn’t afraid of Julian’s anger. He was afraid of his best friend abandoning him, and then Fredric deciding he couldn’t lose his son. Ilan would be left on his own with no one.
He’d spent his life carefully cultivating a giant wall around