on his weaker arm, which trembled for a moment under his weight.
“I don’t exactly have a job yet,” Ilan admitted, feeling a tinge of shame because he was never the kind of man who enjoyed being idle—but he thought maybe he could be. For a little while at least. “I’m debating right now what the hell I even want to do.”
“Career change?” Fredric asked, sounding surprised.
Ilan laughed. “God no. No, I did not almost literally kill myself from stress and fatigue to go…I don’t know, knit hats and sell them on the internet. I just…I wanted a change. I wanted to stop working ER shifts. I wanted a real office and space to breathe and more regular patients than emergency surgeries.”
“You want to plant roots,” Fredric said, and Ilan blinked because he’d never really thought about it like that. “It’s normal at your age.”
“Oh my god,” Ilan breathed, and Fredric laughed. “You do know I’m not some lost teenager anymore, right?”
“Oh, I’m aware.” There was a hint of something in Fredric’s voice, without real form, but it made Ilan shiver for a second. “You’re smart, and you’re mature. And you’ll figure out what speaks to you.”
He pushed off from the counter, and Ilan was forced to follow him to the living room, and they both collapsed on the sofa. Ilan kicked his shoes off and put his feet up next to Fredric’s, letting his socked pinky toe bump Fredric’s sun warmed skin.
“When I sold my house,” Ilan said after a beat, “I was petrified. The first time I started doing adult things, I had help. I never had to do anything entirely on my own, you know?”
“I do,” Fredric said softly.
“I know it’s not the same as getting divorced, but there was this moment when I was signing papers the other day when I realized that there was no going back. And I know thirty-six is a fucking ridiculous age to have that realization, but it felt like…a lot.”
“I know you were only joking about nearly killing yourself,” Fredric said, and he laid his hand on Ilan’s arm. “But I’ve been worried about you for years. All you did was eat, sleep, and drink work. And I know you had your gym routine,” Fredric added when Ilan took a breath to argue. “And I know you and Julian took a trip once or twice, but that was not enough.”
Ilan stared down at his hands which were clenched together, resting in the space between his thighs, and his throat went a little tight. “Julian’s happiness makes me want to find my own,” he admitted, and Fredric made a soft noise of sympathy. “I’ve been avoiding it because…because I knew that happiness was possible, but it seemed so fucking rare. I mean, you with Jacqueline, Corinne and her seven dozen failed engagements. Julian and Bryce…”
Fredric let out a heavy sigh and held on just a little tighter. “I know what a disservice my relationship has done everyone around me, and I’m sorry about that.”
“No,” Ilan said, and he closed his hand over Fredric’s, holding it tight. “That’s not what I mean. I was perfectly capable of looking beyond that little bubble we lived in, but I was terrified because it meant putting myself out there. And taking myself away from work and everything. And it meant risking all that pain.”
“But it seems worth it now?”
Ilan closed his eyes and pictured the way Archer’s presence alone made Julian look like he was walking on clouds. And it wasn’t perfect. Julian had called more than once after a fight. He’d called more than once with doubts and fear. He’d even been packing a bag one afternoon when Ilan talked him down from making rash decisions just because he was angry.
Their start had been a lie, their ending chaos—but in the end, Julian knew that his love with Archer was going to transcend the known universe.
So yeah, having even a fraction of that seemed worth it.
But he wasn’t quite brave enough to admit it with such vigor. Not yet. So, he breathed out a sigh and shrugged. “I think so. I’m willing to try.”
Fredric said nothing, but he squeezed Ilan’s arm just a little bit tighter after that.
Chapter 8
Ilan curled his hand around his coffee mug and stared at the man across the table. The café was loud with mid-afternoon stay-at-home moms grabbing a caffeine fix after a long beach jog, but it wasn’t overwhelming. Yet. Ilan stretched his legs under the table and watched