Her illness was always two jumps ahead of us; as she was able to do less and less, I always felt like I was failing. And when it was all over, everyone assumed it would be a relief. But the only way I can describe it is that it felt like someone had split my chest open with an axe, then wrenched my heart out.
Somehow I stumbled my way to Bristol, and when all I had to do was work forty-five hours a week, and I could sleep whenever I wasn’t clubbing, it felt like a part-time job. But gradually it dawned on me that there’s a lot more to life than being capable. Being able to balance a bed pan and a breakfast tray while sticking on morphine patches and sorting out hospital transport only takes you so far.
But that’s why it was so great for me when I accidentally hit on the wedding promotion business. My only claims to self-taught fame are knowing Photoshop inside out and being able to build a webpage in my sleep, and both of those were invaluable for the blog side of the work. With the wedding knowledge I’ve gathered along the way, I’ve somehow become an accidental expert in an area I adore. When it comes to weddings, I can hold my own with anyone, and I can’t tell you how great that feels. As for discussions like this one, I’d usually have Phoebe around for backup. We might have been in an equal partnership, but we both know she’s the one in charge. And that’s why, in spite of everything, a part of me is still wishing she were here now – simply because she’d smooth through a meeting like this standing on her head.
‘Hard times call for an inventive approach, Milla.’ Jess is tapping her nail on her glass. ‘This is why we’re desperate for your input with the Faceplant side.’
Poppy stifles a smile. ‘That’s Jess’s affectionate name for Facebook.’
I catch Poppy’s wink from behind a dressmaker’s dummy and take my chance to slide back into the conversation. ‘I can certainly do a lot with your social media.’ It’s barely there, so it won’t be hard.
Jess is nodding back. ‘And the anniversary wedding fairs you’re helping us organise will boost business too.’
‘Absolutely.’ That’s one of Phoebe’s favourite words; she says it all the time. It seems to be working for me here, even though I can’t quite make myself smooth through to the snorty bah she always does after it.
But doing the fairs for Jess is another of my comfort zones, thanks to my long lists of fabulous suppliers and exhibitors all over the south west, built up over the years since Phoebe got married. Messaging them and signing enough of them up for the shows shouldn’t be too difficult. Until I find a new career, I’m going all-out with the blog and adding in some fairs for Jess.
Jess is giving me a searching stare. ‘Poppy tells me Phoebe is usually the frontwoman for the fairs you do.’
I’m nodding. ‘And obviously you and the shop staff will be fronting these ones.’
Jess’s nostrils are flaring. ‘We’re very keen on professional development here. It’ll be good for you to try that role too.’ She obviously has no idea about my total inability to look impressive or tidy, or she wouldn’t be suggesting this.
I’m not actually sure I could stay straight-faced for an entire day either, but I’m too professional to mention that now. ‘Brill. Anything to do with weddings, I’m always up for a challenge.’ I’d never get a chance like that with Phoebe, that’s for sure. And if I think of it as a possible launchpad to a new career, I can put up with the pain.
As I glance at my phone, I see this has taken all of two minutes. Not that I’ve got any particular reason to go, because however many pictures of whipped cream and pancakes there are flashing through my head, I won’t be heading for the harbourside. But I might persuade Poppy to nip down to the Hungry Shark with me after all. ‘So if that’s everything …?’
Jess is laughing. ‘I’m sorry if you’re anxious to finish what you started with Nic Trendell, but I allocated us half an hour. That means there’s twenty-three minutes of talking left to do.’
I’m frowning. ‘I’m not sure I know anyone called Nic Trendell.’
As Jess flips a Polaroid photo out of her trouser pocket, I see Poppy and me laughing