Blade said. “Cool it.”
I balled my hands into fists as the anger only worsened, burning hot in my chest. “Fuckin’ tell me, then!”
“Because you act like this!” Heath nearly shouted back. “You’ve always been an asshole to me. And I haven’t done anything to deserve it. But no matter how nice I am to you, you’re always a jerk. I just don’t get why.”
“Because you remind me of my fuckin’ dead brother and I can’t fuckin’ stand it!” I shouted.
It just slipped out. My anger shutting down my brain-to-mouth filter as usual. But usually when that happened, I said something cruel or crude or callous, not something like this. Not admitting to half of what I’d so carefully hidden, in front of all my club brothers.
The room went silent.
Jonah stepped forward and placed his small hand on my forearm. Only then did I realize I was trembling. He blinked up at me, his brow furrowed and lips curved into a small frown. I felt a little more grounded with him next to me, though, knowing someone was on my side.
Some of my anger dissipated like steam. I slumped and leaned my back against the fridge. “I’m sorry,” I said, glancing up at Heath and then back down to my feet. “I’m…” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I’m not trying to be an ass. Really. I know I am being an ass. But.”
“What do you mean?” Heath asked gently. The anger had melted off him as well, and Dante stepped aside, no longer blocking Heath from view. “That I remind you of your brother?”
The expression on Heath’s face sent another pang of hurt through me. His big, wide eyes reminded me so much of Parker in that moment, the sweet, innocent way he’d ask questions. So earnestly. I closed my eyes for a moment and took a steadying breath.
“My brother, Parker. He passed away when he was fourteen. Cancer. Just a few years ago, a little while before I patched in. And it’s just that—you look a lot like him, even act like him, and it’s like... It’s like I’m seeing who he could’ve been, if he had lived. And it hurts.” I pressed both hands to my eyes, fighting back the hot prickling of tears. “I know that’s not fair to you, but I can’t help it.”
I dropped my hands from my eyes. I was expecting Heath to be angry—to chew me out for being so selfish, or maybe even laugh at me for projecting my pain onto him. But instead, he just watched me curiously, and sadly, his head tilted to the side. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
The rest of my brothers-in-arms watched me, too, but to my surprise, no one looked angry. Blade watched me with his chin slightly ducked, and Dante’s shoulders softened. Priest was frowning slightly, brow furrowed, and even Gunnar was wide-eyed and curious. It still made me a little anxious, having their attention on me when I was about to pull out my heart and hand it to them, but I knew it had to happen. There was no turning back now. The room was quiet, but it felt calming, not threatening.
“Didn’t know how,” I admitted. “I was always the invisible one in my family. Unless I was being loud and annoying people into paying attention to me. And then when I patched in, it was just easy to fall into that same role. To be the loud, funny one. That way I could ensure everyone liked me. That I wouldn’t get left behind the way my family left me behind.”
Jonah’s hand tightened on my forearm, encouraging me to continue.
“I didn’t want anyone’s pity,” I said. I straightened up a little. “I just wanted—still want—a family.”
“You’ve got one,” Priest said gently.
I nodded jerkily. Even if I knew that, sometimes I didn’t believe it. “I felt safe being the funny one,” I said. “I don’t know how to just be myself.”
“Like this,” Jonah said. “Exactly what you’re doing now.”
“You can always talk to us,” Coop said. He had his arms crossed over his chest and was frowning a little. “That’s what family is for.”
Well, might as well get it all out in the open now, if I was doing it. “Sorry for blowing you off earlier, Coop,” I admitted. “After you said that about the sign.”
“S’okay,” Coop said. “I didn’t mean to tease you about the sign. It looks really fuckin’ good.”
“Were you teasing, though?” I asked, even as nausea roiled in my