But despite what Dawson thought, I had learned from my past relationships—I’d learned when guys closed down like this, there wasn’t anything I could do to change it. I’d be with Joker if he wanted to be with me. And if the thought of really being with me, openly and honestly, was too much for him, then there was nothing I could do to change it.
I just really, really didn’t want that to be the case. Because I’d thought he was different. I thought we were different.
I just couldn’t piece together what had happened. I’d thought this sign reveal was going to be a turning point for us—but not this kind. I’d thought it would be a step forward. The club was obviously impressed and happy, and he’d worked so hard, but now here we were a huge step backward.
I just wish I fucking understood.
But some guys were just like this. A switch flipped, and I’d never know why. Either Joker would come to his senses, or I’d move on.
It hurt this time, though, more than any of the others.
Jonah put a hand on my shoulder, and I startled; I’d forgotten he was there, so torn up in my thoughts of Joker. “Don’t look fine,” he said.
I pinched the bridge of my nose. My chest ached, and I felt embarrassingly close to tears. As much as I believed in putting myself first, and not letting guys treat me like I was disposable, this just… it didn’t feel like that.
It felt like I was losing him.
“Sorry, I just… I should go. Let y’all get back to your party.”
“You’re welcome to stay,” Jonah said. “Just because Joker bolted doesn’t mean you have to.”
“No, no, it’s not that,” I said, wincing. “Sorry.”
“I get it,” Jonah said. He gave my shoulder a squeeze. “I’ll walk you out.”
I was grateful to have Jonah leading me through the clubhouse back to the front door, thus escaping having to explain my leaving to the rest of the club. At the front door, he sighed a little.
“I know Joker can be a little difficult,” he said. “But… I hope you’ll be a little patient with him.”
There was something sad in Jonah’s eyes, like he knew something I didn’t.
“I’m trying,” I said. “What’s going on with him?”
Jonah shook his head. “Not sure. And if I did know, it’s not mine to tell.”
I pushed down the swirl of frustration. The club was like a family, and even if Jonah had an idea of what was nipping at Joker’s heels, he wasn’t going to share it with me. “Well, just tell him I said bye if he makes an appearance.”
“Course I will,” Jonah said. “You’re good for him, you know that?”
“Sometimes it doesn’t seem like it,” I grumbled, more to myself than anything else, as I slipped out the front door.
21
Joker
I sat down heavily at the foot of my messy bed, propped my elbows on my knees, and let my forehead drop into my hands. I’d already been hurting, flayed open by the fear Coop’s comment inspired in me, and then Brennan had pointed out tomorrow’s date. My chest ached, and the guilt that swirled in me was powerful enough to make me dizzy. Guilt that threatened to overwhelm everything else.
And to top it all off, I ached to call Brennan back. To change my mind, and invite him up here, so I could curl up in his arms. I wanted that—needed it—but I didn’t deserve it. Especially not now, with how I’d blown him off so callously, when all he’d been trying to do was help.
There was no fucking way I could live up to being with a guy like Brennan. Someone so kind, open, thoughtful, and caring—and I couldn’t even remember the most important fucking date of the year.
The sixteenth. The anniversary of Parker’s death.
I’d been so wrapped up in my own bullshit. So concerned about how the club would receive the sign, and so distracted by my relationship with Brennan. I’d been consumed with my own selfish desires, to the point that I’d pushed aside the only thing that had ever made me good. But how could I let myself have something like a relationship with beautiful, smart, considerate Brennan when it made me forget the things most important to me—led me to disrespect my brother’s memory so callously?
I’d been so excited about our date, too. So happy that Brennan still wanted to spend time with me, even after I’d pushed him away and shut him out over