life works, but what I can promise you is I’m in a better space than I’ve been in, in years.”
“You’ll tell me?” I push her. “You’ll tell me if this is too much for you. If you aren’t comfortable and you need me to run interference.?”
Leaning forward, she puts her palms on my neck, pressing her forehead against mine. “I promise. I know you don’t have a lot of faith in me, and it’s totally my fault, but please know I promise. It’s not enough, but I don’t want to lose my family again.”
Her fear is the same as mine. Being on the outside, looking in on the family you thought you were a part of. Then having it ripped away before you can even make a grab for it. Before you even knew the devil was at work.
“I don’t want to lose you or Walker either.” I take a long swallow. “It was hard to know you were so close, but so far away. To know that you wouldn’t accept my offer of support and comfort, even if I’d been able to take my tattered pride up to the door.”
“I’m sorry I tattered your pride, and I’m sorry I wouldn’t let you offer what I needed the most. From now on,” - she reaches down, pulling my hands up to her lips, kissing the knuckles - “I know what to do. Realizing there are times in my life when I’m not the strongest person in the room has been a process.”
There it is.
She realizes she’s not the strongest person in the room.
For some reason I’ve waited to hear those words. Wanted her to admit strength and coping aren’t mutually exclusive. This is what I’ve wanted, what I’ve needed.
“I love you,” I whisper to her.
Her eyes search mine. “What just happened here?”
“I heard you admit you aren’t superwoman and you’ve never done that before, babe. I think it worked this time.”
She smiles brightly and widely, her eyes shining. “I think it did too, Dalton. I think it did too.”
Watching Mandy leave doesn’t fill me with as much anxiety as I imagined it would. After our talk this morning, I’m happy to let her leave and go about her day. It’s amazing what a few little words can do to soothe the soul.
Either way I stand at the end of the drive, waiting for her taillights to disappear. When they finally do, I turn to the garages, slow-rolling up to where my bike is parked, enjoying the crisp air as I do. This isn’t something I’ve done much of lately, hell maybe even not at all. It’s a good reminder, we all need to stop and smell the roses sometimes, even when life gets to be too much.
Walker left with the twins to go to school already, and all I have to do is get my ass to the shop.
It’s a gorgeous morning and as I hop onto my bike, I realize how light I am. There isn’t the pressure and baggage of not knowing what was going on with my wife on me anymore. I know where my kid is, where my place in the club is, and the part of my identity I had somehow gotten wrapped up with my own piece of shit father? It’s gone.
Over the last few months as we’ve been dealing with everything going down, I’ve wondered if I’m no better than him, and during some of those dark nights, I was convinced. Fucking convinced, I was him made over.
Thank God my wife proved me wrong today.
I’m free as I turn onto Porter Pike, heading toward the shop, letting my mind blank out and enjoying the wind through my hair.
This is what I’ve missed. Not having the worry, the stress, and the fear.
I’m happy, and I think for a while I forgot what happy looked like.
Now? Now I fucking know.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Mandy
This.
This is normal.
Driving down Porter Pike, listening to the radio, my window rolled down slightly to inhale the fragrance of the coming season. Grass smells different when it’s starting to sprout after being dormant for the winter. It’s always been a favorite smell of mine, but somehow, I forgot.
So many things I forgot over the past few months.
There’s dew on the hood and windshield of my SUV, bringing with it a sense of new beginnings. The morning is slightly chilly, but it’ll be warm by lunchtime.
I wave at one of the farmers who shares this end of Porter Pike with us. He’s getting ready to