have done it in college, but instead they prospected for the club my dad ran.”
I’ve never told anyone about the club so openly. It’s never come up in conversation with Dr. Crawford, and I’m surprised at how easily I let the words slip. So often I’m holding everything about my life close to myself, not allowing anyone to get close enough, but somehow she’s worked her way under my skin.
“Prospected?” She’s obviously confused.
I smirk. “I’m an old lady - ya know, like Tara in Sons of Anarchy.”
Her mouth drops open, astonishment on her face. “What?”
“Yeah,” I giggle. “My husband is the VP of the Heaven Hill MC, my brother is the president, and my dad is the former president.”
“Wow,” she laughs. “I never would have imagined that would be the family history you’d be telling me right now, but it’s helping me to understand a few things.” She makes notes on her paper.
“Like what?” Now I’m interested to know what she sees when she looks at me.
“The way you don’t tell anyone anything, I’m sure you’re afraid someone might use it against you at some point. The way you’re always looking for a way to escape, and you’re very observant. I have no doubt you know what’s going on in every room you walk into.”
“My sister and a friend of ours were held hostage when I was a teenager, and not long ago, my niece was kidnapped.”
“So much in such a short period of time.”
“Yeah.” I sober quickly. “After my niece was kidnapped is when I had the miscarriage. Dalton and I had been trying for a while to get pregnant, and then out of nowhere, when we’d almost given up trying - it happened.”
“Was Walker excited?” she questions.
I remember telling him, seeing the look on his face and the way he’d asked questions for over an hour. “Very excited. His cousins are twins, and he’s always been jealous of them. He’s always wanted a sibling and he said something like his prayers had been answered.”
She makes another note. “So when you miscarried, did you feel like you let him down too?”
My throat closes and I have to clear it before I can answer. “Yeah, I felt like I let the world down. My sister-in-law found out she was pregnant a little after me.”
“Did she carry to term?”
“Yeah.”
This is a little all over the place and I don’t know whether I’m coming or going, but I feel like I might be getting somewhere when she asks the next question.
“Are you jealous of her?”
“I’ve thought so many times that I am, and then I feel ashamed. So I turn my anger and frustration to myself. It doesn’t help that I work with her, she’s my boss at my day job. Although I’m not sure whether I have a job to go back to. I haven’t done any work in months. I feel like when I’m there, I have to overcompensate. So when I’d get home, everything would crash down and I was reminded that I don’t have this baby. I asked Dalton to leave, so I wouldn’t have him to talk to. The only one who was there was Walker.”
“Did you talk to him?”
“I yelled at him.” I let the tears fall. “Over stupid shit that normally wouldn’t bother me, but it was a release. Something to make me feel, even if I felt horrible – both while I was doing it and afterward - for yelling at him. I’ve done things with him around that I shouldn’t have. He’s seen me drunk, he’s seen me line up pills, and he’s seen me go through life with no regard for my or his safety. I’m a better mother than that, but I’ve treated him like he’s disposable, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to properly apologize for that.”
“Then that’s what we need to work on, Mandy. You’d be surprised by children, they’re very resilient. Think about yourself as a child. You were able to forgive your mom for things a lot of other grownups wouldn’t be able to, and somehow you knew all she wanted to do was look after her kids. Walker loves you, and I’m sure he just wants to know that you’re okay.”
“I wrote Dalton a letter,” I spit out quickly. “The other night, I was feeling lonely and didn’t have anything else to do. Maybe that’s what I should do for Walker.”
“I’m sure he would appreciate it. You should get phone privileges very soon, but