is it?” I ask my dad as I throw my bag in my room. He’s sitting on the couch in his dorm.
“Right here.” He holds it up, waving it around.
Snatching it is easy, probably because he let me, and when I look down, my stomach gets a queasy feeling inside it.
It’s from my mom.
I haven’t spoken to her since she had to go into the hospital.
But she wrote Dad a letter, and I’ve been waiting for mine ever since.
“Do you want to read it by yourself?” he asks softly.
I nod, going into my room and closing the door. I’d thought a week ago that the two of them would be getting a divorce, but the dinner I’d had with Dad had settled my fears.
“She’s getting the help she needs, Walker. I know it’s hard to understand for you. Hell, it’s hard to understand even for me, but I promise she’s going to come back to us.”
I grab a piece of the cheese bread in between us. “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.” He dunks his bread in the red sauce, before shoving the whole thing in his mouth. “Have I lied to you?”
Thinking back, I can’t ever remember a lie he’s said to me. I keep track of that type of stuff. Uncle Tyler says a man is only as good as his word. If you can’t make it happen, don’t say it. Uncle Tyler is one of the best there is, so I definitely want to live my life the same way he does.
“No.”
“Good, then you can trust me on this. There’s no way I want any of us to get hurt.” He breathes deeply. “There’s been enough of that already.”
I think about the hurt I’ve felt since Mom left. Some nights I’ve cried myself to sleep because I’m worried about her. Are the people she’s staying with taking good care of her? Do they know she likes one particular blanket at night? They obviously don’t know we like to watch a TV show before bed. So I’ve been watching one by myself, positive Mom knows I’m keeping the tradition alive. She has to know, right? Even if we’re apart like this, somehow she has to know I wouldn’t let it die.
My hands shake as I open up the paper Dad handed to me. I’m nervous, more nervous than I’ve ever been for anything, even trying out for the football team. At least then I knew I could pretty much run faster than anyone else. This is something I can’t run away from.
Dear Walker,
I love you more than anything in this world. I know I haven’t been the best mom to you while I’ve been trying to deal with losing your little brother or sister.
I’m sorry.
So sorry for everything I’ve put you through, and I miss you. I miss everything about you - your laugh, the way you cuddle up with me to watch our show before we go to sleep at night.
I knew it, I knew she had to know I’m keeping it going for us. Why would she have mentioned it if she didn’t think I was?
The way you’ve been a man around the house while your dad’s been gone. I understand I’ve put you in the middle of a lot of arguments. I’ve let you see a lot of things I shouldn’t have, and I’m sorry. There’s no other word for me to say. I hope one day you’ll be able to forgive me and we can get the relationship back we’ve always had.
The first thing I want to do after I get out of here is go get dinner with you. We can even go to Wet Wanda’s if you want. (Bet you didn’t know I’m aware your dad’s been taking you on the sly for the chicken wings.) Wherever you want to go, whatever you want to do, I want to do.
You’re so important to me. You made me a mom, and I’ll always love you for that. I’m lost, and I’ve been lost for a while, but I’m finding my way back to the person I used to be.
I pray you can forgive me.
And one more thing, I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you. You were so excited to be a big brother, and that got stolen from you. I should have realized how upset you’ve been. I promise, I won’t let you down again.
Keep your dad and uncles in line, Walker.
I’ll be back before you know it.
I love you more than you’ll ever