I trust you and you’ll learn to trust me.”
Without even thinking, I let the first words that pop to my head come out of my mouth. “Trusting is even harder than me telling someone my feelings, so good luck with that, Doc.”
She laughs, sitting back in her chair. “I love a challenge, Mandy, so good luck keeping all your secrets buried.”
Something about her reminds me of Doc Jones. How we have always known we can trust her, even with the deepest of secrets. The confessions that woman holds in her heart would probably kill a lesser person.
“Mandy, tell me, do you have trouble accepting compliments?”
I think back to all the times Dalton’s said something about how beautiful I am, or he’s tried to sneak a hand around my waist and pull me in tight to steal a kiss. More often than not, I rebuff him. Not because of him, but because of me and my feelings. It strikes me too that he wasn’t doing it very often before we got pregnant and lost the baby. Maybe because I’d laughed him off or made him feel unwanted so many times, but the problem was really me. It’s always been me.
“Yeah, I have an awful time accepting anything I’m not in control of. My first thought when someone says something nice, is they’re doing it because they feel like they have to.”
“Do you tell people nice things because you feel like you have to?”
I slowly blink. “No, I tell them those things because they’re true.”
“Then why would you be any different?
“Because so many people have left me.”
I fall back on that abandonment badge I sling around whenever it’s convenient for me.
“They left your twin too. It wasn’t about you, it was about them.”
“Realistically I know that, but it doesn’t stop me from purposely pushing people away.”
She stops as I say those words aloud, smiling brightly. “Say that again, Mandy.”
“I purposely push people away.”
“Why? Why do you do it?”
The answer is right on the tip of my tongue. Truth is, it’s always been there, I’ve just never wanted to say it because it makes me look like I’m a selfish person in my eyes. “If I push them away first, if I hurt them first, they don’t get to have a chance to hurt me,” I whisper.
“Yeah, that’s why you don’t say I love you, why you don’t take compliments well, and why you tend to be a loner even in a huge family like what you have. If you keep to yourself and never give them a piece of you to take…”
I interrupt her. “I get to keep all the pieces of myself and control what I give to who and when. But that’s the problem.”
“Why, why is it the problem? We’re so close to something here, Mandy.”
“I don’t ever give it,” I cry again. “I don’t ever give any of myself away, and the people I do love are left with a tiny sliver of the real person I am. Meanwhile, I constantly think I’m a problem and continue to retreat into myself, so that I don’t feel like a problem.”
“There you go. Now we know the problem and we can work on it.”
Her words echo in my brain as I sit back against the couch, emotionally drained.
Could it really be that easy?
Chapter Three
Dalton
In the first decade of Walker’s life, I’ve never had to go to school to pick him up - that was always something Mandy managed. Either she’d take care of it, or arrange for someone else to. We’ve always been good at splitting everything when it comes to the day-to-day, and anything having to do with Walker’s health fell to her. His safety fell to me.
So I don’t know how to handle this.
Having to get him at school two days in less than a week.
Especially when he’s sick and hurting from missing his mom.
I’m driving the shop truck when I come to a screeching halt in the parking spot reserved for parents at the front of the school. About the only thing I do know is he probably shouldn’t be on the back of my bike if he has a fever.
I drum my thumb on the steering wheel, wondering what the fuck I’m supposed to do. How am I supposed to handle all this shit by myself?
It’s what Mandy’s been doing, isn’t it?
My fucking subconscious taunts me.
It’s what she wanted.
I taunt it back.
Now I’m realizing I should have fought harder. I should never have let her push me