that gratification.”
He snorted. “I was talking about before that. Didn’t you text me something about being so happy you were shaking?”
“I guess I did.” Mia tried to remember that feeling, which had faded so quickly after the initial high. “It didn’t last though. I remember going back to class the next Monday feeling like nothing had changed, except I had more work ahead of me.”
“That’s always the way it is, isn’t it? Triumphs only last until the next challenge comes along.”
“I suppose.”
She wound her spaghetti around her fork as she thought about it. Somehow she suspected she’d still feel good on Monday when she walked into class. More confident. More energized, knowing that what she was doing was actually working.
She set her fork down and reached for her glass of wine. “I submitted my paper today, by the way.” She hadn’t told Josh that she’d been putting it off. She hadn’t wanted him to know how much she’d been doubting herself.
“How long before you hear anything?”
“I don’t know. Weeks? Months? It depends if they reject it outright or send it for peer review. If they send it for review, it depends on the schedules of the reviewers. And then I might be asked to revise and resubmit, which will drag the whole process out even longer.”
It was exhausting to think about. She knew she should be excited, but she was actually sort of dreading hearing back from them. Unable to let herself believe she wasn’t just inviting another rejection.
“So it’ll be a while,” Josh said.
Mia nodded. “That’s what I mean. It felt good to share my work with a few close colleagues and have them respond enthusiastically, but now I’m just going to be sitting around waiting for something to happen. It’s kind of anticlimactic. And it hasn’t changed anything about my day-to-day life. It might eventually, but that’s going to take time. I don’t feel any different because I hit send on an email.”
“You don’t feel a sense of accomplishment? Or relief to have it off your plate?”
“I guess. But it’s not much of a high.”
In fact, it brought a whole new source of anxiety. Because now, not only was she waiting for a possible rejection, she needed to start working on the next paper she planned to submit, not to mention making a list of alternate journals to submit this one to as a backup.
She pushed her plate away and picked up her wineglass again. “You know, it’s funny. I never thought I liked teaching before. I was pretty anxious about how much I’d have to do when I took this job. I thought I wasn’t any good at it.” Just like Antonio had thought he wasn’t good at math.
Josh frowned at her. “Clearly you are good at it, just like you’re good at everything else.”
She smiled at the compliment. “It’s funny how your perception of something can completely change. I’ve really started to enjoy teaching since I’ve been here. I like the students at Bowman, how engaged and motivated they are. I like working with undergraduates, finding ways to connect with them. Engaging their critical thinking skills and awakening their curiosity…” Pausing, she sipped her wine as she reflected on it. “I think I might actually—”
She broke off, surprised by the thought as it formed in her mind.
Josh glanced up at her with his fork suspended halfway to his mouth. “What?”
“What if I like teaching as much as research? Or more even?”
It wasn’t something she’d ever imagined herself saying. And yet, looking back on the past couple months, it was the moments in the classroom and the time she’d spent with her students that stood out to her as the most rewarding. Not the hours she’d spent agonizing over a proof or perfecting it for publication.
“I think that’s great,” Josh said.
“Is it? I’ve always thought research was what mattered most. Your contributions to the field. Everything I’ve done the last ten years, every goal I’ve set for myself, was based on that assumption.”
Did this mean she’d been approaching her career like Antonio, who’d chosen a business major simply because he’d thought it was what he was supposed to do? It was an unsettling thought.
Josh shrugged. “Obviously I’m no expert, but it seems to me that molding young minds is a pretty important contribution to the field. Teachers have the power to change people’s lives. That’s not an accomplishment to be discounted.” He paused, adding, “Although I’m sure research is important too.”
Mia nodded, letting the idea sink in.
It