they’d only end up right back here again. And she couldn’t go through that—or bear to put him through it. She needed to save them both.
Forcing conviction into her voice, she said, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” The words burned on the way out, leaving blisters that threatened to choke her.
He made a raw, desperate sound. “Please, Mia…just give me a chance. I know I fucked up and I’m so sorry.”
She could picture his face right now. His mouth twisted, his lower lip betraying a slight tremble. His dark eyes hollow and bloodshot, blinking hard to fight off tears. The thought of it nearly undid her. But she needed to be brave. For once in her life, she needed to have a spine.
“It’s not you,” she said, realizing too late how trite that sounded.
“Right.” The bitterness in his voice pricked at her already aching heart.
“It’s not.” She squeezed the phone until it bit into her fingers. “This isn’t about tonight. Not directly. It’s something I’ve been thinking for a while. You were right that I’ve been pulling away lately, and it’s because I’m afraid.”
“Of what?”
“Of what happens when I leave.” Her mouth tasted like it was full of ashes, but she kept going. “I think we should quit while we’re ahead. Before anyone gets hurt.”
“Little late for that, don’t you think?”
Mia flinched at the sting of truth in his words but refused to back down. “The longer we’re together, the worse it will be when I have to leave.”
“I don’t care. We’ll figure it out when the time comes.”
Something cold clamped around her spine, extending icy tendrils into her limbs and leaving a numb, pins and needles feeling in its wake. It was the exact same thing Paul had said to her. And the way they’d “figured it out” had left her broken and reeling.
With a little more distance, she might have found it darkly humorous that after things had ended with Paul, she’d run straight into the arms of a man who was his opposite in almost every way—unassuming, empathetic, down to earth, and at peace with his place in the world. The two men couldn’t be more different. And yet she’d still ended up in the exact same situation.
Which meant the problem wasn’t them; it was her. If she’d been hoping for a sign she was doing the right thing, this was a giant Buc-ee’s billboard by the side of the highway pointing the way to clean bathrooms thirty miles ahead.
Mia’s resolve hardened even as her heart broke a little more. “No, we won’t,” she said, finding it easier to keep her voice firm. “There’s nothing to figure out because there’s no future for us. We need to acknowledge that instead of pretending it will magically work itself out somehow.”
“I acknowledge it, okay? Is that all you need? Are we good now?”
Her lips itched with the urge to say yes, and she clamped them together, speaking through gritted teeth. “Josh—”
“We’ve still got months left,” he said, interrupting her. “That’s time we could be spending together instead of alone. We’ve got a good thing going. Why shouldn’t we enjoy it while we can? I promise I’ll let you go when the time comes. You don’t have to worry about me.”
She did have to worry about him though. He wasn’t as okay as he was pretending to be. What happened tonight was enough evidence of that.
Mia squeezed her eyes shut, knowing he wouldn’t like what she was about to say. “Do you remember before, when I said you should talk to a therapist?”
“Not this again.” His defensive walls slammed down like clockwork. “I just lost my temper, that’s all.”
“It’s more than that. I don’t think you’ve ever dealt with the trauma of what Kayla did to you. It’s like this gaping wound that you’ve been trying to cover up, but it’s been festering all this time. It doesn’t mean you’re weak. But when you’ve got a wound that won’t heal, you need to see a doctor. You need therapy. Please, will you at least consider it?”
There was a long pause before he spoke. “If I say yes, can we go back to the way things were?”
Mia rolled over and stared at the ceiling. If this was the only way to get him the help he needed, maybe…
No.
It’d be manipulative. She couldn’t blackmail him into getting help. He had to make the choice for himself. Otherwise he’d just be going through the motions. Unless he accepted that he actually