I don’t have time for the needle. The sweats are coming on, gathering profusely on my forehead. My head’s thumping hard. Just a few free hours without thinking or feeling. It’s all I need. I grab my purse and use a card to line up the heroin. Rolling up a dollar bill, I bend forward and snort every granule of heaven in the line. I wipe the edge of my nose and lean my head in my hands on the old wooden dresser. Within minutes my head spins, everything becoming a blur. Except for when I look up, my reflection mocks me in the mirror as clear as day.
You’re a drug addict.
A whore.
A disappointment to your family.
My family. God, what a joke. I had Lindsey. And with Lindsey came Oliver. I adore them both. I wish I had the courage to go to Lindsey and tell her everything. I wish I had the strength she has to fight every battle without losing another piece of myself. But I don’t. I’m not like her. Telling her wouldn’t just tip the scales. Wouldn’t only ruin the balance she and Giuseppe have. It would ruin me for her to see how far I’ve fallen. She’s already lost faith in me. I can’t have her lose all hope.
Every day I’m here a part of me dies. But if she were to see the girl I’ve become, that would kill me in an instant. My fear of being a failure in her eyes isn’t something I can take. Especially not when I know Giuseppe, to an extent, fears her himself. And this, if she had any idea, she would see red. This would start a war we’re incapable of winning. I tell her, she’ll come back guns blazing, Oliver by her side. He’s one of the only other people I could possibly trust in this world. And they’ll both die, fighting for me. And when Giuseppe kills them, he’ll end me too. There’s no winning against a man who refuses to lose. There’s no winning against a killer with no soul. No conscience. No fucking remorse. Lindsey’s given up so much of her life to care for me, I won’t be the reason it’s cut short.
My eyes close but they can’t sleep. My body’s aching from going too long without a hit. Lifting myself up with what little energy’s left in me, I shuffle to my bed and fall on my back into the blankets. Sheets rustle across the room and I tilt my neck up, eyeing Adriana’s bed. A mop of black hair peeks above her blankets.
“Where have you been?” she mumbles.
“Just out. It’s all right, go back to sleep,” I whisper. My voice soft, tone loving.
I lay my head back down and stare at the ceiling as Adriana’s voice ricochets off the walls of our bedroom.
“Ali… are you okay?”
My insides twist at the concern in her tone. The voice in my head screams no, how could I possibly be okay? But I keep my lips shut tight because none of this is her fault. Adriana is sweet, kind and compliant. She does as she’s told, she never cusses. The girl is in church every given Sunday, and she hasn’t seen the half of what I’ve been through, what her family have done this past year. She isn’t stupid, but I’ve hidden a lot behind well-practiced smiles and excuses. Sometimes I can feel the anguish in her eyes when she looks at me. At other times, the pity in them is too much. But we both know the consequences of going against her family, and that isn’t something that will end with both our hearts still beating inside of our chests.
But after tonight—after meeting Roamyn—giving up no longer feels like my only option.
I roll onto my side with hope in my heart, and stars in my eyes as I imagine him. The deep tones of his laugh. The honesty in his eyes. His calloused thumbs rubbing over my hands, reassuring me. Soothing me. I let the haze take me over and sink into a slumber.
“I’m gonna be fine,” I lie.
I’ll never be fine. But I might just survive.
The metallic taste of blood slides down the back of my throat. I try to lift my head and I groan doing so. The pins and needles in my neck from my head hanging make it hard to move. I blink to clear my foggy mind. Dirty old walls covered in grime greet me, along with the