be sick again. DeShawn kept walking farther into the room until I had backed up as far as I could go and was sitting down on the side of my bed while he stood in front of me, blocking my view of the doorway.
“Tell me that you don’t care about me then,” he said. “If you want me to leave and not be here trying to figure out how I can help you and not tell you how I feel about you, then tell me that you don’t have any feelings for me at all.”
He paused and waited for me to respond. He knew I couldn’t say that. Everything that he had said was true. I couldn’t hide it from him even if I wanted to. I wished that I could bring myself to say it. Then maybe he would just leave. But I couldn’t tell him that I didn’t care about him because it would be a lie—one that I couldn’t bring myself to say, even now.
“Please, DeShawn,” I said a final time. “Please just go, and we can talk tomorrow or the next day, just not right now.”
“Why not right now?” he pressed. “What is it that’s going to change in twenty-four hours? You’ve been acting weirder and weirder each passing day, and I think we absolutely need to talk about whatever it is right now. This can’t go on any longer. Whatever you’re trying to hide or keep inside. You keep saying that you need me to leave, but I don’t think that’s true. I don’t think that’s what you really want, either. I think you need me to stay. You don’t have a good reason for needing me to leave, Clara. You’re just trying not to give in to this—to us, but I’m not going to let you shut me out anymore. Not this time.”
That was it. I couldn’t take any more. I was at the very edge of my emotional limits. I had tried to keep it all locked inside, but I couldn’t keep myself from blurting it out any longer. I was scared about how he would react and what would happen once he knew, but it was too much to bear. Trying to keep it a secret made it even more unbearable.
I just wished that I would have been able to see past where DeShawn was standing and into the open doorway before I let the words spill recklessly out of my mouth.
I felt everything in my mind and body all unravel at once as I shouted out the one thing that I had been trying to keep hidden. “I need you to leave because I don’t know how to tell you that I’m pregnant!” I shouted.
DeShawn froze. The look on his face was so shocked that he appeared as if he had been absolutely shaken to his core. For a single, suspended moment, there was a total and deafening silence that hung painfully in the air around us. But then, right when I had expected DeShawn to finally say something, a different voice called out from the doorway.
“What the fuck did you just say?”
DeShawn turned around, and when he had moved out of the way, I saw my brother standing inside the open door with a look that was every bit as shocked as DeShawn’s had been.
We had been arguing and shouting, and because of that, I hadn’t heard Scott’s truck pull up into the drive. He must have heard us fighting as soon as he came into the house and walked upstairs. I didn’t see him in the doorway—neither of us did. But there he was, and he had heard every word.
20
Deshawn
Did Carla just say what I thought she just said? I was shocked beyond belief. I looked into her eyes and saw the fear that was there, and suddenly it all made sense. Her getting sick, feeling weaker and more tired as the days went by. How did I not see this before? Before I could say anything to her, Scott barreled past me and slipped in front to get between Clara and me.
“What did you just say, Clara?” he yelled at her.
“Hey!” I said as I grabbed him by the back of his shirt and pulled him away from her.
“Get your fucking hands off me!” Scott yelled at me.
“Then don’t get up in your sister’s face,” I yelled back.
“Seriously?” he said. “You think you can just show up here and knock-up my sister and then pick a fight with