left alone.
I looked up at DeShawn now in the doorway, and I could see the worry written all over his face. I didn’t want to make him worry, but I also couldn’t deal with this situation myself yet. This wasn’t the time for this. I needed to be more prepared and less emotional.
“You need to leave,” I said as I tried to get myself to calm down.
“No, I’m not leaving,” he said stubbornly. “Why would you want me to leave? What’s going on?”
“DeShawn, please. Just go. I want to be alone.”
“Nope. I’m not going anywhere. Not until you tell me why you’re crying,” he said.
Since he wasn’t going to leave until I gave him an answer, I tried to come up with something on the spot that would sound convincing enough to then be able to get him off-topic.
“One of the pigs died,” I lied. “I was just sad because I hate it when any of the animals die, but it was old, and it had a good life. Scott will take care of it when he gets home, and it’s really not that big of a deal. I was just overly emotional about it for some reason, and now I just feel silly and want to be alone.”
“A pig?” he said with a raised eyebrow.
I could tell that he didn’t believe me one bit. He probably knew me well enough to know that I wouldn’t cry over the death of one of the pigs. I was too accustomed to the circle of life on the farm to get hysterical when things died. That might have worked as an excuse for a girl with a fainter heart and lesser constitution, but it wasn’t going to fly for me.
“What are you and Scott going to do this afternoon?” I asked abruptly, trying to change the subject in the hope that he would just move on from it. “I think Scott was hoping that you guys could watch a game or something before you had to go back to the city. Remind me when you’re leaving again?”
“Dammit, Clara, don’t try to change the subject,” he said.
It was the first time that I thought I’d actually seen him look mad at me and raise his voice.
“I know you’re not crying over a damn pig. And I don’t want to talk about watching a game with your brother. As far as when I’m leaving, I’ll tell you that after you answer me. Why won’t you tell me what’s going on? Why the hell do you people make it so hard just to care about you?”
He was angry. Like, really angry. His voice was rising, and this whole situation at the doorway was escalating into a fight. I’d never gotten into a fight with DeShawn before, and I didn’t want to now. He pushed the door open more and stepped all the way inside until he was standing right in front of me and looking intently into my eyes.
Please don’t say anything else. Please don’t make this even harder than it already is.
“You know that I care about you, right? I’ve cared about you ever since we were kids, Clara!”
He reached out and tried to take my hand, but I pulled it away. He was too close to me, so close that it felt like his eyes were looking right into me, and I couldn’t stand it.
“DeShawn, stop—please, just stop.”
But as much as I begged him not to keep talking, he wouldn’t quit professing his feelings for me.
“Dammit, Clara—I know you feel the same way because I see it in your eyes when you’re with me. I feel it in your kiss when you kiss me. You keep trying to hide it. Why? You keep trying to push me away for some reason that you never say. But you can’t hide it, not from me. I see you, Clara. And I’m not going to let you push me away just because you’re scared. Tell me what it is that you’re scared of. Let me in.”
“I need you to leave,” I blurted out as I started to cry all over again. “I can’t handle all of this right now.”
“Handle what?” he said. “A man finally loving you the way that you deserve? The thought of not having to do everything all by yourself all the time and of having someone besides your brother who wants to take care of you?”
This was all too much. My head was spinning, and I felt like I was going to