that. Dad and I are just worried that you don’t understand the value of money yet and we know that living in debt is such a misery. We’re just trying to help. I know you don’t believe us, but we are. And the whole working hard for your A levels, well, no one is saying you have to be an A* student, but it’s a springboard to the next step of your life.’
Phoebe folded over, like a rag doll collapsing in half. ‘Like you’ve even done anything with your life. You didn’t even go to university, but you talk about your copywriting business as though you’re the founder of Instagram or Bill Bloody Gates. But nope, just a secretary for some crappo magazine no one’s heard of, and now writing a few press releases for air freshener and moss killer. Whoop. Whoop.’
I resisted pointing out that I had been the personal assistant to one of the most influential editors in the women’s magazine world. It was ironic that I’d left to set up my copywriting business so I could work from home and have more flexibility in terms of childcare after Phoebe was born. I forced my brain to remain on the task in hand: trying to find out the root cause of Phoebe’s issues and whether the drugs were just a one-off experiment or the tip of the iceberg.
I scrubbed at the saucepan in the sink to give myself time to get my rage under control and to push back down all the home truths I would really, dearly, have liked to point out to Phoebe, whose biggest disappointment so far in life was probably receiving the wrong charm for her Pandora bracelet last Christmas.
‘Everything we say to you comes from a place of love, darling.’ Though right now I was pretty sure I could also find a little residence of strong dislike. ‘We’ll do our best not to go on about things, because I know, I’m absolutely sure, that you’ll find your way in life.’ I aimed for a note of levity. ‘There are plenty of ways from A to B and you’re an intelligent girl, so I know you’ll be fine.’ I tried to sound confident rather than patronising, but I wasn’t sure I’d pulled it off. ‘Can I just say, though, that I am really worried about you taking drugs, because you never know what’s in them?’
Phoebe flung her head back and lay spread-eagled on the chair like someone whose last drop of energy had drained out of them. ‘Oooh drug-g-g-g-gs. Stop acting like we were injecting ourselves with heroin.’
‘But because of drugs, you did end up having a car accident that could easily have killed you.’ Keeping my voice conciliatory and calm was taking every ounce of my self-control.
‘That’s because Helaina is a shit driver and was showing off in front of Victor about how fast she could go, not because she’d been smoking.’
‘So you don’t think the fact that she was high on dope – weed – had anything to do with it?’
‘No.’
I stopped fiddling about at the sink and sat down opposite her. Her angry little face took me back to when I’d tried to teach her to play table tennis on holiday. She’d become so frustrated by missing the ball that she’d burst into tears and stamped on it. I’d never known how to head her off, to rein her in before her emotions spiralled out of control. Yet there was still something vulnerable about her, though she hid it better these days. It seemed an age since she’d crept into our room with her duvet to sleep on the floor.
‘Phoebe, I’m worried about you, love. You’re embarking on a dangerous path and it’s not going to end well. Don’t throw your life away. You’ve got so much going for you.’
Her face softened slightly. My heart lifted as though something I’d said was making sense, that somehow I’d found the right slot in that complex teenage brain to post a wise word through. But she pushed back her chair. ‘You’re just so false, I can’t believe anything you say. You even make out you’re far too intellectual for I’m A Celebrity and you only watch it because I like it and pretending to Victor that normally you’d be reading the bloody Economist or something.’ She stood up.
I tried, desperately, to bring her back to me, to create that tiny spark of connection, that fizz of understanding. ‘I’m sorry you think that about