Britain wasn’t the biggest compliment I’d ever had. It was only much later that I understood our dalliance had served to make him realise what he really wanted: you.
Anyway, if you remember – and it is so hard to remember – we didn’t own computers or have ready access to email. (Can’t believe that era ever existed now. Imagine being that old!) So by the time we got to speak to each other, I was four months pregnant and you were in love with Patrick.
You sounded so happy. So so happy. I didn’t have the heart to wade in and throw a spanner in the works. I made the snap decision to tell you about my promotion instead. And once I hadn’t told you the first time, it became impossible to say, ‘Oh by the way, I should have mentioned this earlier, but your future husband is the father of my baby.’
Knowing you as I do, you’ll immediately assume you were Patrick’s second choice. That’s just not the case. I saw how much he loved you over the years and actually it made it easier not to tell Victor who his father was because I figured that Victor didn’t seem bothered about it, whereas I was frightened it would cause an earthquake in your lives.
I’m not sure whether you’ll believe me. I hope you do, but I know there was a part of you that never felt good enough in any area of your life. Which I wish I’d been able to change over the years, but I don’t think I ever did, no matter how often I told you how brilliant you were.
One arena where you were absolutely amazing and about which I am totally qualified to speak was in being my best friend. Even if Patrick hadn’t been Victor’s dad, I would have wanted you two to have him – although, to be fair, there weren’t too many other suitable offers either… I mean, Cory? Come on!
I’ve no idea whether you’ll ever read this letter. It will depend on my dad not dying before all is revealed, which will only happen if Cory has opened the first letter. Which means that one of you – my money is on Patrick – has had second thoughts about looking after Victor. I couldn’t let that happen. He belongs with you (don’t make me turn in my grave for eternity!), which is why I had to make arrangements for you to find out the truth.
Guilt engulfed me. Ginny had believed the very best of me and I’d let her down. Ironically, Patrick had been her boy’s champion, not me.
Anyway, like I said, it’s all down to chance, a last toss of the coin from me. Heads or tails from beyond the grave. It comforts me that one day you might just stumble across a last little bit of love waiting there from me to you, tucked next to ‘And Still I Rise’ for old times’ sake. Still hoping to dance with those diamonds up in the sky with some gorgeous bloke who keeled over in his prime.
Seriously though, in some ways, I hope you don’t ever get to see either letter and trolley on in blissful ignorance forever. In the end, I had to make a judgement call. Victor was so young to lose me and I decided that even with your ability to hold a grudge, you’d eventually get over it.
So, my darling, if you’re raging about feeling betrayed by me, pleeeease don’t let it taint your memory of our friendship. Initially I did what I thought was best in order not to ruin your happiness before you’d been together with Patrick long enough to weather it and then, well, I bloody went and died before I ever found a way to explain.
Please live your life, Jo, and try and find it within your heart to forgive me and love my boy. Especially love my boy.
Hard as it is to believe, this is my last letter to you. Thank you. Thank you for everything. For the good times. The quiet and comfortable times. The wild times. All the times. I love you. And I’ll save you a place on my cloud if you hug my boy close and focus on what matters now, not what happened then.
Ginika xx
PS I challenge you to read ‘And Still I Rise’ and not feel as though you could take on the world. You’ve always been so much stronger than you gave yourself credit for.