a cold sweat, and I rubbed my hands over my thighs.
I sucked in a deep breath and closed my eyes, rushing out the next part of the story before I changed my mind. “You know the box we make to shove our emotions in? I created a well, one that looks like a well on my grandparents' old land. Inside that well is what I call my monster. It has a personality. It has wants. It's alive.”
My eyes popped open, and I glanced around, trying to gauge their reactions. Kian's emotions were locked down tight, but Trace and Axton's felt so muddied that I couldn't really understand what they felt.
“It's alive, and it wants. When I don't give in, it punishes me. Fuck, half of the time, I'm not even sure what it's asking for. That doesn't seem to matter, though. Not when it is busy ripping me apart from the inside.” I opened my mouth, but a thought struck, so I leaned forward and looked both of my opponents in the eyes. “Do you know how the hunger in our Grim forms is always there? It constantly sits in our guts, pushing us to take any soul to satiate it?”
They both nodded.
“Okay, now think back to when you first started, how much bigger that felt. That's how my every moment is, but with pain instead of hunger. When it explodes because Death is near? Well, it is similar to the monster when it becomes angry. I don't know.” I flopped back on the couch. My explanation seemed so paltry to how it actually felt. How did one convey the overwhelming feeling of being lost in pain so deep that you couldn't see an end to it?
“What happens if you give in?” I could see Axton turning over the information in his mind, trying to manage it, to fix the problem.
Good luck. “Without the tabs and alcohol? I fight or fuck. A lot. It craves certain emotions, and those are the only ways I can get them. It turns me into a monster, and I refuse.”
“Is that what happened when we were sentenced? The voice, the eyes I saw?” Axton asked.
“No, that was something else. When I heard destruction, I panicked a little. Seemed like a good idea at the time.” I rubbed the grey scars on my arm as I recalled the feel of the monster's hand gripping mine. “I joined with it. It gave me a boost of sorts, but it also wanted me to do things. It wanted screams and, well. That's not something I care to do unless I have to.”
“And what do the tabs do?” Trace rattled the container, making me want to vault over the table and smack him.
“It goes to sleep, and the tearing inside stops. Your idea of saving me is only causing me more pain. You think you're helping, but you're only uncapping the sheathes I've placed on its claws.”
Axton snatched the container out of Trace's hands and threw it to me. The clacking as it landed in my lap gave me more relief than I would ever admit. Trace stared at it as I shook out a couple of tabs into my palm and tossed them into my mouth.
“Thanks. Now, are we finished with this? Grace is standing outside, and we have things to do.” I was so tired of dealing with the drama around the tabs.
None of them spoke or even nodded. They merely stood, and I sighed. Why couldn't they just leave it alone?
Chapter Twenty-Nine
My prediction held true. When we arrived at the DNB, the grounds were packed with Reapers, with more to come. As soon as we moved into sight, the conversation dropped to murmurs. None of them knew exactly why they were ordered there, particularly those who didn't work as Grims. Some of the braver ones called out questions, but they wouldn't receive an answer until we took a field trip.
Though it would take a lot longer, the only way I thought we might gain their cooperation was by showing them exactly what we meant when we said that an entire world hadn't been reaped. After all, the scale was unimaginable, and it would be much harder to deny when they were face to face with the hopelessness.
Axton organized the groups, dividing the mass into smaller sections of two Groupings at a time. Each of us would lead an excursion to different parts of the planet, one after another. Grace would remain behind, answering questions and