contracted making mine do the same. I clicked to turn the volume up and came to the sound of the quiet moan he’d released when he shattered.
As I stared down at the mess on my stomach, courtesy of my roommate, I realized I needed backup.
I clicked away from the video, waiting five until the endorphins freewheeling through my system had settled down, and then called my brother Joel. He was only three years younger than me, but he was also fifty times smarter. On the other hand, he couldn’t catch a football even if I put it in his hand. Mom and Dad had held him back from starting kindergarten for an extra year, and sometimes I regretted that we didn’t get to experience at least a year of college together.
“What’s wrong?” he answered immediately, concern in his voice.
“Nothing. I mean, nothing dangerous. I’m not hurt or anything. You busy?”
“In theory I’m on a date right now.”
“Shit, you can call me ba—”
“Nah, he didn’t show. What’s up?”
I decided to go in full bore. “I guess I’m gay. Or bi. Whatever. Not straight.”
There was a long silence before Joel said hesitantly, “Okay, I’m going to need to know some details, but understand I don’t want to know detailed details. Catch my drift here?”
“No anatomy discussion. Got it. Believe me, likewise. Okay, I’m about to lay a lot of stuff on you that I need you to just keep to yourself. Swear?”
Once my brother leerily swore himself to secrecy, I sketched a rough picture of the situation with Jesse. And when I say rough, it was as rough as all my other attempts at art, meaning hardly more than a stick figure outline. I didn’t mention the videos.
When Joel hmmm’d, I could hear his frown through the phone. “Some of this doesn’t make sense. Actually, a lot of it. So you two decided to start hooking up just because. But now you think you like it, and you’re not sure what to do about it? I think the obvious answer would be to continue doing what you enjoy and maybe not jump the gun on dissecting it too much just yet. Honestly? I’m more concerned about this other guy.” Joel huffed out a breath. “You said he’s out, right? I’m not sure why any self-respecting out guy would mess around with someone who claims to be straight. No offense, because I love you and think you’re great, but really.”
Now I was the one frowning into the phone. That made Jesse sound bad, and I didn’t like that I’d painted him in a bad light that he didn’t deserve. “Uhhh no, back up. J…this guy is definitely self-respecting. In fact, he’s the one—” I cut myself off with a swear. There really was no way to give Joel the full picture without…giving him the full picture. Pure brilliance, Sam. I rolled my eyes at myself. “Anyway, like I was saying. He’s very self-respecting.”
“So he’s just indulging himself in some good ol’-fashioned straight-boy kink? All right, respect. Fine. Can’t blame him, aside from the fact that you’re my brother. So, gross.”
“Straight-boy kink? Is that real?”
“Uh, yeah. It comes factory installed on plenty of us. Not all, but plenty. Sits parallel to the lesbian fantasy of the same and is kissing cousins to the straight-guy fantasy of two girls making out. The common thread? All of us are really hoping it works out in our favor in the end. But most of us know it won’t. Unless it’s happening in a porno.” He chuckled, and I frowned harder at the phone. I decided I needed out of this conversation.
“Still there?” Joel asked a second later.
“Yeah.”
He swore softly. “Man, I’m messing this up. Okay, shit, hang on. I’m so used to you being the big brother that it’s weird to hear you asking me for advice. Or whatever it is we’re doing here.” He cleared his throat. “Okay, remember when I came to you in eighth grade because I kissed that guy on the baseball team, and then flipped my shit because it was my first kiss, and even though I was sure I was gay it was still a little scary? I was worried about him saying something at the same time I was panicking over whether I should immediately announce that I was gay.”
I smiled. Joel had been so flustered it’d taken me a few minutes to figure out that he was ecstatic, not injured, but also panicky. “I remember.”
“And you told me to