to Cass. No offense,” he added, glancing at her.
“None taken. I’m not into you either, by the way.”
I looked back and forth between them. They were acting so casual.
“I’m sorry, I just find it a little awkward that my best friend is going to be passionately kissing my…”
Owen and Cass stared at me with great interest.
“Your what?” Owen asked, when it was clear I wasn’t going to continue. “You weren’t going to say boyfriend, were you? Because you’ve made it very obvious that this isn’t official.”
Well, yes. That was accurate.
Logically, I knew Hamelin! was a play, not real life. It was fake life. A fake kiss in a fake world between people who weren’t romantically involved. And even if it was a real kiss in real life, I’d have no room to be uncomfortable. Because I’d been the one holding back. I’d been the one preventing my and Owen’s relationship from progressing.
Logically, I knew that. I was a logical person. Logic always won. Life would be meaningless without logic.
And yet.
And yet.
Unhappiness surged through me.
I took a moment to steady myself. Whether my feelings were logical or not, they didn’t need to be on display for Cass and Owen.
“Okay,” I said.
“Okay what?” asked Cass, looking at me like I’d just said the Earth was flat.
“Okay, fine, there’s a kiss. I’m sorry I acted strange.”
Owen reached over and squeezed my knee. “I promise, there’s no reason to be jealous.”
“I’m not jealous.”
Interlude
Jealousy
I was jealous.
I was jealous and I hated myself for it.
It’s not that I thought Owen would leave me for Cass. But still, I was disturbed at the thought of him kissing someone else.
And…
Well, I promised I’d be truthful in this account.
Owen kissing Cass bothered me because it was a glimpse of things to come. This time it was for a play. This time it was a kiss with someone he wasn’t attracted to.
This time.
What about all the times in the future?
I had no illusions about my and Owen’s future. According to an article I read, less than 2 percent of high school relationships ended in marriage.
While I had a year and a half of high school left before escaping to college, Owen was a senior. He’d leave in less than a year, while I was stuck in Lansburg. How could our relationship survive that?
Especially when…when I wasn’t sure how much I meant to Owen in the first place.
Do you recall what I said about people trying to force Owen and me together? Regardless of whether or not we liked each other, if there were only two openly gay kids at a school, surely they must date?
For me, that wouldn’t have been reason enough. But I happened to like Owen. A lot.
Was it the same for him, though? Doubtful. He was smart, popular, attractive, talented. The kind of person everyone liked and respected.
The truth is, I wanted to keep our relationship quiet because if people knew someone like Owen was dating someone like me, there’d be jokes. Maybe the jokes would be enough to make him step back and wonder what he was doing with me.
And he’d realize he was with me because I was there. The very thing I hated so much—being pushed toward him simply because there were no other options must have been why he dated me.
I knew I had redeeming qualities, and I was sure one day I’d find a man who appreciated them. But certainly that man wouldn’t be as impossibly perfect as Owen. He and I were mismatched. Our relationship was entirely unbalanced.
That was why I wouldn’t make our relationship public. Why make it official in the first place when I knew the eventual outcome?
And that was why it hurt to think of Owen kissing Cass. I knew it was the beginning of a long string of people he’d kiss, people who weren’t me.
If heartbreak was inevitable, wasn’t it better that we never named the thing between us? Wouldn’t it hurt less when he left me? You can’t truly lose something you never had in the first place.
Interviews
Subject #3, Cassidy (Cass) Robinson: I felt for Gideon. But he was being a total drama llama. I wasn’t gonna, like, drop out of the play because he was jealous.
Subject #5, Owen Campbell: Honestly, it was probably the first time I felt sure Gideon actually liked me.
Event: Radio Jamming
Date: Oct. 6 (Fri.)
The radio jammer was complete. I wasn’t positive it would function in the field, but I was ready to find out.
I dressed in dark slacks and a black