UFO Hunter Quarterly.
The Alien Abduction Checklist
Have you been visited by extraterrestrials? Mark an X next to each symptom you’ve experienced in the past twelve months.
Lost time, ranging from several minutes to several days
Sleepwalking, insomnia, nightmares, or dreams of flying
Waking with unusual stiffness in your back or neck
Hearing tapping or humming noises as you fall asleep
The feeling of being watched by animals with large eyes
Unexplained bruises, burns, or scars
The discovery of strange, metal implants in your body
Frequent electronic malfunctions in your presence
Streetlights going out when you walk under them
Sudden sinus problems, migraines, or rashes
Recurrent nosebleeds/waking to find drops of blood on your pillow
A sudden aversion to heights, snakes, spiders, large insects, or bright lights
A fear of being alone
Regularly double- and triple-checking the locks on all doors and windows in your house
An extreme aversion or terror upon seeing pictures of aliens or UFOs
A new, obsessive fascination with aliens or UFOs
Recently discovered psychic abilities
The feeling of being “special” or “chosen”
Seeing flashes of light from the corners of your eyes
Struggles with addiction
Sexual or relationship issues
Difficulty trusting or opening up to people
A history of alien abductions within your family
Having seen a UFO or strange lights in the sky
If you have experienced seven or more of these symptoms, there’s a strong possibility you’ve been abducted by aliens.
We recommend you visit our website, where you can find information on abductee support groups in your area.
Event: The Abduction of Ishmael Hofstadt
Date: Sept. 16 (Sat.)
“According to this list,” Ishmael said, “you’ve probably been abducted by aliens.”
We were in my lab, making plans for my brother’s upcoming alien encounter. “According to that generalized and robust list, everyone has been abducted by aliens.”
“But dude, relationship issues, difficulty trusting people…”
I continued flipping through my notes without looking at Ishmael. “A high percentage of people have those problems. It has nothing to do with extraterrestrials.”
“Maybe if you showed this to Owen he’d understand why you’re afraid to date him.”
I stopped. My eyes went to my phone, which sat on the desk next to me, recording our conversation. “Owen is just a friend.”
“Sure,” Ishmael nodded. “Everyone totally believes that.”
“Can we focus on your abduction?” I asked.
Ishmael nodded agreeably and looked back at the checklist. “So what symptoms am I gonna have?”
“The problem with these ‘symptoms’ is that they’re almost entirely psychological. To make people believe you’ve been abducted we need physical evidence.”
“Sofia didn’t have evidence.”
“Yes,” I said, pulling from my reserves of patience. “But thanks to Sofia, we need to up the ante.”
Ishmael scanned the list of symptoms again. “Metal implants? That seems like a good one.”
“Does the lab look equipped for surgery?” I asked, gesturing around the room.
“What about sleepwalking?”
“That would do what, exactly? Prove to Mother and Father you’ve been abducted by aliens? They don’t believe this anyway.”
Ishmael put the list down and frowned. “About that. Don’t you think they’re being weird?”
“Weird how?”
“Like…they know we’re lying. But they’re not calling us out. They both get real quiet whenever aliens are mentioned.”
I’d also contemplated this phenomenon. “I believe they’re trying to let us learn a lesson.”
“Huh,” Ishmael said. “That’s convenient.”
“Back to the list. I think we only have two options,” I said. “Nosebleeds—”
“You’re going to give me a bloody nose?”
“I could help you fake a bloody nose,” I corrected.
“We could do it for real.”
“I don’t want to do it for real.”
“Why?”
I sighed. “Please, Ishmael. Can you just trust me?”
My brother held up his hands in surrender. “You’re the boss. What’s the other option?”
I hesitated, wondering if I was about to go too far. No, I decided. Not when it’s for the purpose of scientific discovery…and my acceptance to MIT. “The other option is unexplained bruises, burns, or scars.”
Ishmael frowned. “Oh.”
For a long moment, the only sound in the lab was Kepler growling from the corner where he hunched, glaring at Ishmael.
“I guess you’re not thinking of scars,” Ishmael said finally, “because that would take too long. And probably bruises aren’t weird enough?”
“Correct.”
“Okay then. I guess I’m getting burned.”
I hesitated. “You don’t have to.”
Ishmael shrugged and grinned. “It can’t be that bad, right?”
Event: The Abduction of Ishmael Hofstadt (Cont.)
We didn’t just want a burn. We wanted a brand. Since there hadn’t been branding irons on our farm for decades, there was only one other choice.
I plugged in my soldering iron.
While it heated, I prepared a clean space on my desk and laid out tools. (My notes, a brass sponge, a wet sponge, antiseptic, gauze, surgical tape, a mirror. I added flux to the lineup out of habit, before remembering it wasn’t a normal soldering