she really saying what I think she’s saying?
“Kim is pregnant with my baby?”
“You’re going to be a daddy.”
The ground is shaking underneath my feet. I didn’t think it was physically possible, but it’s really happening now. I wish Kim were here. I wish I could pull her into my arms right now and kiss her. I want her to know how special she is. I want her to know that nothing will keep me away from her or our baby. Everything else can go to hell.
“Blaire, I need to see her,” I say.
She’s nodding her head.
“Good. That is exactly what I want to hear, but she’s not in the city. She’s moved back home to live with her parents.”
“I need to see her,” I reiterate.
Blaire comes up to me and extends her hand. I shake it, and we both break into a laugh.
“I’m going to be a daddy!” I shout like I’m standing on top of a mountain and declaring it to the world.
25
Kim
I’m sitting at the breakfast table, piercing some scrambled eggs on my plate repeatedly. My mind is blank. I’ve forced myself to not think of anything. I’ve been home a few days, and already it feels claustrophobic.
I can’t believe it.
I grew up in this house. This used to be my safe space. I love my parents, and I will forever be grateful for how supportive and kind they are being towards me, and yet, I can’t get over the fact that this is not my home.
“Are you okay, honey?” Mom asks. They’ve been discussing the neighbors' hydrangeas over breakfast while I’ve been trying not to gag over the smell of coffee. My aversion to certain strange food smells and tastes has kicked in, and it hasn’t been fun.
“Yeah, I’m fine, just a bit tired,” I say. Mom reaches over and places a hand over mine.
I hear Dad sigh and I know what’s coming.
“I hate seeing you like this, baby girl,” he says.
“Daddy, really, I’m fine. You guys don’t have to feel sorry for me. I’m actually excited about this baby. I want to be a mother.”
Mom smiles at me weakly and nods, and Dad lets out another one of his big sighs.
“Yes, but you look lonely, honey. We can’t help but notice it.”
“How can I be lonely when I have you guys?” I force myself to smile. They can see through it, of course. They have known me all their lives.
Dad shakes his head and gets up to take the plates away. I drink my water while Mom sips on the coffee. None of us speak while he loads the dishwasher. I’ve been noticing these long silences around me. It’s like they’re walking on eggshells. They’re being overly careful because they don’t want to upset me.
When Dad finally leaves the kitchen, Mom turns to me. I can sense she’s been waiting to say something out of dad’s earshot.
“Kimmy, honey, it’s okay to admit that you’re scared.”
“I don’t have anything to be afraid of, Mom.”
“You’re right. You’re not alone. You will always have us.”
“Are you trying to say that you think I’m lonely because I don’t have a man in my life? Because that is not true.”
“I know how strong you are, honey. I know you can do it on your own. You are more than capable and you have never needed a man in your life. But something’s changed, hasn’t it? This man. The father of this baby…did something happen with him? Did you fall for him and he broke your heart?”
I’m utterly surprised by how on-the-nose Mom is. I guess being a mother gives you special social powers of deduction you can’t explain.
“Yes, I’m in love with him. He doesn’t love me in the same way. So I can’t tell him now. I can’t force him into a relationship with me. He will resent the baby and me forever,” I reply, and I can feel hot tears filling my eyes.
Mom nods lightly; her eyes are wide and tear-filled too.
“Then he must be some kind of maniac for not loving you,” she says, and I lean in to hug her.
I know I’m going to love this child just as blindly and fiercely as my mom loves me. Nobody can take that away from me.
When Blaire shows up at the house the next day, I’m more than a little surprised. It hasn’t been very long since I left the city. I wasn’t expecting to see her this soon.
My parents greet her with warm hugs and Blaire walks into