here!”
“Sure are,” Violet’s expression is gleefully malevolent.
Usually when Darren buys me things, they’re professionally wrapped, or they come in a pretty bag with nice curly ribbon. Not gifts from my mom. They come in nondescript plastic bags.
I reluctantly peek inside the bag. Oh yeah, this is going to be . . . stranger than usual. I should’ve gotten out the tequila in preparation. I reach inside and pull out the least offensive item.
“What is that?” Sunny tips her head to the side.
“It’s a vibrating cockring. Watch.” My mom plucks it from my hand and puts it in Sunny’s palm before she turns it on.
Sunny’s face turns an even brighter shade of red. “Oh. That would feel . . .”
“Great, right?”
Sunny nods uncertainly.
“Go ahead. There’s more.” My mom motions for me to keep going. When I’m not fast enough, she grabs the bag from me and dumps it on the table.
I sigh as I stare at the weirdness in front of me.
Violet screams and hides behind me. “What the fuck are those?” She points from her place over my shoulder.
“You mean these, or this?” My mom holds up two separate items, both of which are equally freaky.
Violet makes a gagging sound from behind me. “Either, both? Is that real?”
“These are Ben Wa balls, and this a Spidergasm. They’re prototypes for this year’s Halloween Dominatrix party in Vegas! Fun, aren’t they?”
That’s not quite the way I would describe them. The Ben Wa balls—weighted balls that hang out in your vag for pre-sex stimulation—look like actual eyeballs, the kind you find on those creepy dolls, and the Spidergasm looks like a black widow spider.
Violet shudders. “So fun. Can we put those away now?”
“Are you afraid of spiders? This might help you get over your fear.”
“I’m fine. It’s okay.” Violet uses me as a shield.
“No really, you should try it out.”
“I can do it.” Lily steps forward.
We all look at her like maybe she’s lost her mind, but she smiles and holds her hand palm up.
“Okay. So imagine this is your clitoris.” My mom turns on her sexy Dominatrix voice and runs one of her talon nails along the length of Lily’s middle finger.
Lily shivers, but nods, eyes darting questioningly to me. I can’t save her now.
My mom picks up the black widow and makes it pretend crawl across Lily’s palm and up her finger—yes, it’s creepy.
“And this little spider is about to fire off all eight thousand of those nerve endings!” My mom wraps the little spider around the end of Lily’s finger and taps the butt.
Lily shouts her surprise, and then her jaw clamps shut. “Does it . . . bite?”
“Yes! And it vibrates. Research tests are showing that it takes the average woman four minutes to achieve an orgasm through the Black Widow Spidergasm model. That’s one minute faster than their previous model.” My mom maintains her Dominatrix sex sales voice through the entire spiel.
“Huh. That’s—”
“—incredible, right?”
“This explains a lot,” Violet whispers in my ear, still clutching my shoulder.
“I know,” I mumble.
Thankfully my mom’s phone alarm chimes. She pulls her pouty face. “Duty calls. That’s too bad. I would’ve loved to chill with you girls tonight.” She grabs my arm. “I know! Maybe you and all your girlfriends would like to come to the convention tomorrow.”
“Convention?” Lily asks. The spider is still attached to her finger. She keeps pushing on its butt, increasing and then decreasing the vibrations.
“Sexapalooza! It’s a great convention. I can get you all free tickets since I’m a presenter.” She puffs out her chest, clearly proud of this accomplishment.
“Will there be more stuff like this?” Lily holds up her spider finger.
“Oh yes! If it has to do with sex, it’s there.” My mom roots around in her purse and pulls out a handful of tickets. “Char-char will fill you in. I must be on my way.” She kisses me on the cheek. “I’ll be back later. You girls have fun!”
And with that she’s out the door.
Sunny raises her hand as soon as she’s gone. “Um, what does your mom do for a living?”
Usually I say she’s in the entertainment business, which is kind of true. “She’s a Dominatrix.”
“So what does she do, exactly?” Sunny wraps her hair around her finger.
“Basically she bosses men around until they have an orgasm.” That’s not totally accurate, but for the sake of simplicity, it works.
“Oh.”
“I’m going to have a glass of wine. Anyone else feel like a glass of wine? Or some shots? We could do shots.”
Poppy helps with the wine,