that principle then. It would have saved me a hell of a lot of heartache.
Days drift by and somewhere in that muscle aching, dizzying haze of strutting around the bar while sloshing beer to patrons and threatening the balls of any degenerate that has the nerve to think that my bottom doubles as a stress-relieving device, I’ve let Raven talk me into hosting an impromptu bridal shower at my home in Low’s honor.
Raven has been hanging around The Sloppy Pelican—a lot. She’s giddy, and bubbly, and always has a smile plastered to her face, but those aren’t the only reasons she grates on me. It’s the fact she has mistaken me for a long-lost bosom buddy. Just a few short weeks ago she was busy traipsing around Milan, Paris, the South Pacific, and who knows what other exotic locale, and suddenly she’s planted herself to a seat at The Pelican with her laptop in tow staring at YouTube videos of kittens while nursing an overgrown Cobb salad. It’s annoying. She’s annoying. But she’s far less of a nuisance than Axel who’s traded his business attire for a lumberjack uniform. Okay, I’ll admit he looks decent in a T-shirt and flannel—and he looks even better from behind where I don’t have to see him stealing glances my way every chance he gets—plus, he has a hot ass. Fine, I’ve said it.
Nevertheless, Raven showed up at my place an hour ago and decorated the living room with streamers and balloons in the shape of male genitalia. And if that X-rated cake in the kitchen is any indication of where this night is headed, then I already want to run screaming. Only I can’t, on account there are actual protesters marching just outside of my driveway. It appears that Stumpy across the street has nothing better to do with her time than orchestrate public demonstrations—a position she’s currently been drafted into, her words, not mine. And she’s chosen to cut her teeth by setting up a demonstration in my honor. Hostility toward the disabled is a form of discrimination, one sign reads and sadly that seems to be the only sign that makes any sort of sense. I peer out the window as evening falls over Hollow Brook washing the street and the protesters with their ridiculous signs a deep shade of blue-violet. Down with this! Dogs hate this house! Build a prison here! Irritated and outraged! It’s only YOUR opinion!
“My God, these imbeciles don’t even make any sense. Do they realize they’re as dumb as those sticks they’re holding?” I scoff as I spot their ringleader. “And there she is, the Chihuahua Queen parading them around like show ponies.”
Raven comes in and sticks her face through the crack in the curtain. “Is that Stumpy? Wow, she’s just as mean as you are!” She all but smashes her nose to the glass. I’ve apprised Raven of the beast at the heart of this debacle, and it wasn’t that hairy sheep dog that’s been shitting on my lawn for the past few months. How I hate that I’ve been reduced to curse words even in my own stream of consciousness. One day soon, when I smother the life out of Stumpy in the doggie brownies that the hairy scary sheep dog still makes it his business to leave behind, I’ll curse up an entire expletive-riddled tirade as I chase her soul off the planet for good.
“No one’s as mean as I am.” A self-satisfied smile comes to my lips. Mean is a title I’ve earned, and like all things one must work hard for, I cherish it with a passion.
“You got me there. Hey, do you think you and Axel will ever get back together?”
“Not on your life or his.” A meager smile bleeds through my lips. “Never to be exact.”
“Never say never. If the universe loves anything, it loves a happy ending.”
“Well, it’s not getting one from me. And if the universe ever even whispers the words happy ending to me, I won’t hesitate in telling it to shut up.”
Her body goes rigid as she lets out a sudden gasp. “She’s here! Run and hide!” She swats me away from the curtains and sends Strudel into a barking tirade. In her decorating spree, she even managed to tie a little pink penis balloon around his collar.
“Why would I hide? I live here and she’s coming to see me.” I sneak a quick glance out the window and note an entire row of familiar