He points ahead.
He’s tall so I lean aside to see past him.
I come to a screeching halt, feet gluing to the grass.
The lake.
The murky, black lake.
“No, no…”
“Shh!”
“No! I won’t go in there. I don’t want to go there!” I shriek, my voice crackling with sobs.
My heartbeat skyrockets and everything in my chest aches. I try to pull away from the one who shall not be named, but his grip tightens.
It’s like he can’t let me go even if he wanted to.
No, please.
The murky lake appears almost black under the gloomy weather.
That lake took everything from me.
Everything.
“Eli, please. It’s scary.”
He stops and his face turns into a blur. “You shouldn’t have said my name.”
His hand slips from mine.
My fingers fist around the air as I try to grab him.
No.
No.
His back is the only thing I see as he walks with purpose towards the lake.
“E-Eli?”
He doesn’t turn around.
Black smoke swallows him until I can barely see him.
I run after him with shaky little feet. I trip and nearly fall.
“Eli, C-Come back... Don’t go, please... I’m s-so sorry… d-don’t… go.”
Something warm touches my toes.
I stop at the shore of the lake.
Black water covers my feet and my limbs start shaking.
Eli walks deep into the lake. Only his head is visible.
“Eli!” I call.
I want to go save him. I want to bring him back, but if I do, them monsters in the water will take me.
Them monsters are taking Eli.
“Eli, c-come back! Come back!”
His head disappears underwater and doesn’t surface.
“ELI!!!”
* * *
I wake up with a start, tears streaming down my cheeks.
Eli.
Eli…
No. No. No.
That’s not true.
Eli didn’t go.
He couldn’t have been gone.
A taste of nausea hits the back of my throat and I run to the bathroom. I fall to my knees against the hard tiles and empty my stomach in the toilet.
I remain there even after I’m finished, catching my breath.
Tears fall down my cheeks and to my hands.
“Eli…” I sob. “Eli is the one who shall not be named.”
Why can’t he be named and why isn’t he in my life anymore?
I clutch my head between my hands and hit it with a fist over and over again.
Why can’t I remember? Why the hell can’t I remember?
My heart nearly bursts open with a crushing wave of grief.
It’s like having my chest ripped open and slashed apart and all I can do is watch.
Just like I watched when Eli went into that lake and I couldn’t follow.
Eli.
Who the hell is Eli and why do I suddenly feel like I’m missing a big chunk of myself?
“Eli…” His name comes in a strangled sob.
The itch beneath my skin digs into my arms and hands like needles. I stagger to my feet and wash my hands over and over again.
I’m not done with it even when my skin becomes red and stingy. I want to use bleach on my hands.
But even that won’t make them clean, will it?
I stare at my dishevelled picture in the mirror. My hair points in all directions and my eyes are bloodshot. The tears leave streaks over my pale cheeks.
This isn’t just any ache.
It’s chronic pain.
Eli was someone important from my past that I erased just like I erased Ma and Dad.
Just like I erased everything.
“What’s wrong with you?” I whisper to my reflection. “Why can’t you be normal?”
You know what?
Enough.
I’ve had enough of putting everyone else’s wellbeing before my own. I’ll confront Uncle and demand he tells me everything he knows.
I’ll demand he takes me back to Birmingham.
For ten years, I thought I could survive without knowing my past.
But there’s no future without roots. I’ll always be stuck in this whirlwind of emotions and frightening nightmares.
And grief.
Crushing grief.
I can barely breathe as I think about Eli. Uncle needs to tell me who the hell Eli is.
After washing my face and freshening up, I put on my uniform. On my way out of my room, I check my phone, but there’s still no text from Aiden.
My heart smashes further into its cavity, but I swallow the pain down. I exit my room with determination bubbling in my veins.
Today, I’ll face my fears.
Today, I’ll know everything Aunt and Uncle have been hiding for years.
It’s no longer an option. It’s a need now.
I take the steps down, breathing deep and summoning all the courage I have in my bones.
This is the first time I’ll demand to know something about my past.
I’m counting on Uncle’s understanding. Here’s to hoping he didn’t change his mind.
“She’s right upstairs,” Aunt says with a strained tone. “Let’s talk someplace