hit them up for money—my usual move. But I’m really ashamed about all this and am going to try my damndest to make sure they never have to know about any of it. True, they’ve always been incredibly understanding, but:
This mess is embarrassing.
If I give in to the urge to be rescued at this point, I may be stuck in this twilight postadolescence forever.
In summary: I want to figure out how to sort this mess out myself instead of going to them, hinting and wheedling that I need cash.
I could rent my house on Airbnb, but then I’d have to find somewhere to sleep and a place to board the furballs. I pulled into my house and ran inside, opening my laptop and looking to see how much houses in my neighborhood rent for. Seventy bucks a night for a small two-bedroom, one-bath seemed to be the going rate—not bad. But then I looked up furball care. To board both my animals it would cost $60 a night. So that was a no-go. Maybe the furballs and I could couch surf with a friend? But that would be a double mooch. I wanted to figure out how to take care of this on my own, like—Goddess help me—a Real Adult.
Then it came to me. The clouds parted. Light shone down from the heavens to illuminate my face.
PHARMATRIAL.
PharmaTrial was a low bottom—the lowest of the low, in fact—but goddamnit, it paid. Did I really want to be a guinea pig for Big Pharma? Hell no. Did I need to figure out how to make thousands of dollars in a few weeks without turning tricks? Hell yes.
I googled “PharmaTrial clinical-trials test subjects” and found the page listing upcoming trials and test subjects needed.
OBESITY TRIAL—SEEKING ADULTS AGE 34–60 WHO ARE AT LEAST 40 POUNDS OVERWEIGHT.
While I feel plump at times, realistically that was a no.
ACNE TRIAL—SEEKING ADULTS AGE 18–44 WITH SEVERE CYSTIC ACNE.
Perhaps if I ate enough Brie?
HAIR LOSS TRIAL—SEEKING MALES WITH BALDING PATTERNS AGE 22–55.
A definite no.
Fuck. I realized there was going to be nothing for me. And then I saw it.
SEEKING ADULTS 18–55 FOR MEDICATION STUDY.
No specifics on what they were testing but I was definitely an adult age 18–55. I called the number listed and an automated voice answered. I dialed in the “trial number” posted in the ad, and a woman’s voice answered almost immediately. “I’m calling about the trial for adults age eighteen to fifty-five,” I said.
“Great! We had that trial filled but two of our trial subjects backed out yesterday. The trial starts tomorrow. Could you come in today for an interview and blood testing?” she asked.
“What is the drug you are testing?”
“It’s a pain medication. An opioid,” she said. Which is absolutely perfect, Everett, because if there’s anything I need right now more than I need money, it’s a cure for pain.
“How much does the study pay?” I asked.
“It’s a two-and-a-half-week live-in study and it pays seven thousand dollars,” she said.
The words “seven thousand dollars” reverberated in my brain. “Can I come right now?”
She said I should come in at 4 p.m.
So now I’m headed to PharmaTrial to hopefully rent out my body to a pharmaceutical company to pay off court fees. I feel trashy and ashamed, yet slightly exhilarated by my ingenuity and resourcefulness.
Scrappily,
Roxy
P.S. Shit, shit, shit! If I get accepted to the study, what am I going to do with the furballs? I’ll figure it out later. If I don’t leave now I’m going to be late.
October 8, 2012
Dear Everett,
I’m in! I can hardly believe it. They wouldn’t let me bring much with me into this place—they even made me leave my cell phone at home, and there’s no internet access for drug-trial participants, either—so I’m glad I have my trusty spiral notebook. I need to write down everything before Nurse Ratchet comes around to give me my first daily dose of on-trial opioid, at which point I’ll be too out of it to function.
First let me say it means a lot to know the pets are in safe hands with you! (It did feel strange to ask you and Nadia to housesit, which was basically requesting that you violate ground rule #5a.) And I’ve been thinking nonstop about that dachshund puppy mill bust you told me about—forty dachshund moms and their puppies all needing homes! I hope you and Nadia are able to move out of the OM house so you can adopt one of those puppies! Taking care of Roscoe should be