through the front doors, flanked by two women flaunting alarmingly taut fake breasts who were most certainly strippers at Dirty Steve’s favorite strip club The Yellow Rose—“where all the dancers wear is a smile.” He was talking loudly and I saw his coked-up eyes scanning the room before alighting on me. His face took on an angry glower and he made a beeline in my direction, leaving the entertainers behind. “Oh, there she is,” he shouted as he approached me. “Woman of the hour! Poxy Roxy turned too-big-for-her-britches.”
“Whatever,” I said, trying not to sound intimidated.
He reached out and grabbed me by both arms. I tried to pull away, but he’d really clamped down. It hurt! “You think you’re so great, up there on the fifth floor, but you’re nothing but a chickenpox-covered skank!” He shook me back and forth as he yelled, “I fired you! I fucking fired you!” My head jerked back and forth on my neck. Artemis tried to shove him away from me, but he wouldn’t let go. Captain Tweaker gave a shove as well, but his skinny frame was no match for Dirty Steve’s fat potential.
Suddenly there was a crashing sound and Dirty Steve’s head was replaced by a bongo drum. I glanced around in confusion. Texas tackled Dirty Steve, taking him down to the ground and in the process knocking over part of the puppy pen holding fifteen frolicking wiener puppies, who ambushed the downed Dirty Steve—head still inside the bongo drum—crawling all over him, licking and leaking pee and barking with excitement. Texas staggered to his feet as Dirty Steve flailed around, trying and failing to get up.
Annie ran over. “Dirty Steve, you’re fired!” she yelled at the bongo drum. “And if you EVER come near her again, I’ll bring down the wrath of the entire Whole Foods legal team on your ass.” She froze, perhaps mortified she’d overstepped her bounds. She looked toward Topher Doyle.
He gave her a slight nod, then spoke to the bongo. “You heard her,” he said.
The police arrived in no time, and after talking briefly outside with me, Topher Doyle, Annie, Artemis, Texas, and Captain Tweaker, they took Dirty Steve away in handcuffs. The strippers stayed at the party—I later heard they each adopted a puppy! As the cops left, everyone else went back inside, leaving me and Texas alone on the sidewalk.
“I’m sorry about your bongo drum,” I said.
Texas waved his hand as if it was nothing. “I always feel like that ‘Portlandia’ sketch ‘Dream of the Nineties’ when I play that thing anyway,” he said. “It’s ridiculous.”
“Thanks for saving me from Dirty Steve.”
“You don’t need saving,” he said.
“I was just talking to Captain Tweaker about you.”
“Who?”
I struggled to remember Captain Tweaker’s real name. “Franklin, from AA,” I said. “He’s my neighbor. Well, he was.”
“I know. He talks about how great you are all the time. He’s told me about everything you did to get his teeth fixed. He said it was like seventy thousand dollars’ worth of implants.”
Now I waved my hand as if it was nothing. “He said if I like you and want to go out with you, I should just focus on that. One date. Not, like, all the big picture stuff and the future.”
“He did?”
“I’m sorry I was such an asshole about you having kids. I’ve never been very grown-up, and usually the guys I date aren’t Real Adults either, so it was like a big shock that you are, and that you’re caring for so many different people already.”
“Just because I have kids and help other people doesn’t mean I don’t have room in my life for a…” He paused, like he didn’t want to say “girlfriend” so soon. “For a woman who is special to me.”
That’s when I kissed him. And it was a kiss like the world’s best ice cream after you’ve eaten strictly vegan for a year.
“So would you want to go on a date with me at some point?” I finally said.
“Depends.”
“On what.”
“When and where that date would be.”
“How about after this party? My house?”
Texas looked as if he was considering it. “Okay,” he said.
“Okay,” I said.
We held hands as we stepped back into the PUPPIES! PUPPIES! PUPPIES! grand opening party. The room was abuzz, all the guests talking loudly about Dirty Steve’s arrest. While Texas and I had been outside, someone had set up the wiener dog racecourse. Topher Doyle sailed up to us. “I appreciate Steve providing some much-needed excitement for our biggest donors,” he said.