eye I saw a huge brown blur running in my direction. I turned to see it was a mastiff, let off his leash and making a beeline toward me!!! Charlize, surely terrified it was her last second on earth, propelled herself up onto a big waiting room cabinet. Without thinking, I leapt up onto a chair to grab her, only to remember I was wearing a short skirt with a thong. That’s when I sneezed and lost my footing. I’d gotten ahold of Charlize, and as I fell I kind of pulled her off the cabinet. Like a cat, I landed on my feet. So did Charlize, but on top of the mastiff.
Holy hell broke loose, with every cat, dog, and rabbit going as berserk as their particular restraints and health issues allowed. Only the mastiff stayed calm. I swear, I’d totally misread him. Charlize leapt back up onto the cabinet. I wanted to climb up and get her, but of course my stupid skirt/thong situation prohibited it. So I just kept calling, “Charlize! Charlize Theron!” in a manner I hoped would coax her down. The mastiff’s owner—who had finally grabbed the dog by its collar—kind of laughed, and that’s when I saw the tattoo of Texas on his forearm and recognized him as the guy who came by the tuna burger sample table hoping for crumb cake. (As much as I protest the fact that five hundred idiots from California move to Austin every day, it’s still literally impossible for me to go anywhere in Central Austin without running into at least three people I know or—in this case—barely know. In that way, it’s still an excruciatingly small town.) Texas is cute and a vegetarian, but I remembered only too well his six-foot-tall rockabilly glamazon girlfriend and how they’d sashayed off together, laughing smugly at their happiness.
“This chaos is because of your savage dog,” I said. The mastiff looked up at me, so calm it was clear he had the soul of a Buddha.
“He’s pretty dangerous,” Texas said. He was wearing another tight black T-shirt, like he’s sure we all want to see his nice pecs. “Normally I wouldn’t offer to rescue anyone’s cat from a tree, but it seems your movements might be limited by the trappings of the patriarchy…” He gestured toward my skirt, and sort of trailed off as if aware he’d overstepped his bounds.
“Did you just say ‘patriarchy’?” I snarled, and for a second I thought I’d lose my shit, but with the waiting room full of pets and their owners watching us, I kept it together.
“May I?” Texas asked, gesturing up at Charlize.
I nodded, hoping Charlize would scratch him, but my sweet pussy betrayed me, allowing him to scoop her from the top of the cabinet. She even purred.
“I’ve always wanted to hold Charlize Theron in my arms,” he said after he’d climbed down from the chair.
“I’ve always wanted to meet a man who would crack that oh-so-original joke,” I replied.
“The vet tech can see you now,” the receptionist said. I suspect she was desperate to get me out of the waiting room.
Texas handed me Charlize. “It’s been a joy stroking your—”
“Don’t you dare say it,” I said.
“I wouldn’t think of calling Charlize Theron a pu… rrrrfect kitten,” he said.
“Ugh,” I said. “A pun is worse than a pussy.”
“I’ll say,” he agreed.
While I wanted to get the last word in, right then I was overcome by a sneeze storm. With Charlize in my arms, I was hard-pressed to contain my sneeze juice, which Texas gracefully sidestepped. I could practically feel his suppressed laughter as I sneezed through the dog gate to the exam room.
I blame you, Everett, for my lack of a final retort, as you are the virus monkey who brought this cold to our house. Thanks to you, my natural wit was buried under an avalanche of disgusting sneezes. I’m not sure yet what you can do to repay me on your return from San Antonio, but it will likely involve a pint of vegan gelato and a (purely platonic!) foot rub.
Snottily,
Roxy
P.S. Charlize Theron has a respiratory infection and needs to be force-fed a horse pill every morning. So perhaps your efforts to get back in my good graces could start there. The happy news is the vet tech expects a full—if not speedy—recovery.
P.P.S. PATRICK JUST TEXTED ME! He noticed I haven’t been at work lately and got my number from Nelson! He just wanted to know if I’m okay! If I