of the battery-powered sex toy, and while I have no inherent urge to rub myself off on a rock, I’m starting to see their point.) Then Patrick passed out immediately, snoring in a way that would have been cute had I not been so hot and bothered.
I knew I’d never sleep if I didn’t get off, so I pulled out the merman—its buzz didn’t even stir Patrick, that’s how out he was. It was simultaneously fantastic to finally have an adorable man in my bed, and mildly depressing to STILL be revving up the merman in order to orgasm. But when I came, I shuddered so hard it woke Patrick. He panicked, grabbing a pillow and shoving the corner of it between my teeth. When I yanked out the pillow I yelled, “What are you doing?”
“I was trying to keep you from biting your own tongue while you were seizing,” he yelled back, clearly in a panic.
“That wasn’t a seizure! I was having an orgasm,” I said. We eventually laughed it off awkwardly and then we both went to sleep.
I was hoping Patrick would get me off in the morning, but as soon as he woke up he said he was late to meet his roommate (??) and hurried out with nothing but a quick kiss.
Now I feel rather dreamy at having lost my post–Brant Bitterbrush born-again-virginity and hope Patrick and I can have another go at doing the do—a go that will surely involve a little more attention paid to my clitoris.
Dreamily,
Roxy
August 7, 2012
Dear Everett,
Yesterday before my shift started I texted Annie to meet me out back near where I like to have my kombucha break (because frequent work breaks aren’t just for smokers anymore!). I told her about my sign-painting night with Patrick. But she was more excited about the fact that I was doing some sort of art than she was about my sex life.
So I texted Artemis to meet me for a drink after work. For the rest of my shift I kept cruising Beer Alley on my breaks, but there was no sign of Patrick.
When I left Whole Foods, I rode my bike home to give Roscoe his insulin shot, then down to the Mean-Eyed Cat. It was so muggy I was covered in sweat by the time I got there, and the bar was so jam-packed that we decided to go to Deep Eddy Cabaret instead. (How clearly I remember the time when I could always find a table at any bar in town. Oh, the pain of enduring the overcrowding of a city that was once perfection!) I think the stress made my tailbone hurt and I’d left my donut pillow at home, so I stood up at the bar as I told Artemis the whole story.
“Oh no! Not another lazy Austin buster who thinks sleeping with a woman is just about looking good and thrusting!” she cried.
“But what about when you hook up with cashiers in the parking lot?” I asked. “Do they pay attention to your clit?”
“Parking lot sex is down and dirty. It’s fast and furious. But you were having sex in your house IN. A. BED! He needs to be paying homage to the princess AND her pea.”
When I recounted the merman seizure incident she laughed so hard she snorted, but then quickly adopted a serious expression. “But really, you gotta lay off that battery-powered shit. Get to work, girl. Manual labor.” She waggled her pointer finger at me. “You rely on the vibrator, you become its slave.”
She might have a point.
Manually,
Roxy
August 10, 2012
Dear Everett,
In a decisive move, I boxed up the purple merman and put him on a shelf in the garage, then practiced masturbating to literotica with only manual stimulation. After forty-five minutes of enjoyable yet ultimately frustrating reading and self-pleasuring, I gave up. I had not realized that during my last celibate year the merman had overstimulated my clitoris to a prohibitive degree. I am now on a mission to recalibrate. Also, I now realize that Patrick cannot be blamed for my failure to orgasm, as currently orgasm via nonbattery-powered means seems to be impossible.
It’s been four days since Patrick and I did the do and he’s only texted me once! I texted him back immediately, but received no further reply.
Discouragedly,
Roxy
August 12, 2012
Dear Everett,
It’s been almost a week since my date with Patrick and I still haven’t even seen him in person—he texted me again yesterday but the missive seemed decidedly lacking in energy and enthusiasm.