everything feels too much like before.
That’s how I think about it; the time before Griff when I was a sex slave.
“You’re my woman.”
“So?”
“That means you’re mine to provide for.” He gives an irritated shake of his head and mumbles about strong women being a pain in his ass. But I hear humor in his tone rather than anger.
I try very hard not to compare him to the men who came before him, but with the way Griff likes to fuck, the inevitable comparisons arise.
He’s an aggressive and dominant lover, like the men who hurt me, but unlike them, he’s compassionate, kind, and we’ve already talked about how generous he is handing out orgasms.
I don’t mind his aggression, or his need to dominate in bed. It’s probably because this is the first time I’ve ever been a willing participant.
But taking that kind of control out of the bedroom and inserting it into everyday life—like buying my necessities—is a line I’m not ready to cross.
I can’t.
I don’t mind giving up control in the bedroom, but I absolutely will not give any man control over any other part of my life. Even if it is Griff. My sanity depends on it.
“I’ll need to go back to the Facility at some point.” At least there, I have more than a day’s worth of clothing. I don’t need much, but I do need a few small things.
“You’re staying with me.” Griff’s determined that I stay with him at his house.
He seems reluctant to return me to the Facility. And I get it. I totally get why.
He’s protective, maybe a bit overly so, not that I mind. I’ve had men claim me as their own, exert their dominance and overwhelming control over every facet of my life, but I’ve never had this.
Griff’s selfless.
He’s concerned about me. But most of all, he’s protective without being domineering. It’s hard to describe what that means to me, especially after the life I’ve led.
“But all my things are there.”
He’s going to have to relent at some point. Not that I’m in a hurry to get back, but I am anxious to see Zoe. It’s been nearly a week since I saw her, although it feels like a lifetime.
She and I were kidnapped together. I need to know what happened to her, but more importantly, how she’s doing now. I’m not the only one dealing with trauma, and as wonderful as the councilors are at the Facility, it’s not the same as it is when talking to a person who’s lived through something similar.
“I don’t see why you won’t let me buy what you need.” Griff’s shoulders slump in defeat.
“Because.”
“Because, why?”
“Because.” We’re headed back into argument territory and I don’t like it.
He shuts the trunk and turns to me. “I’m not trying to push, and while I very much want to take care of you, I don’t understand why you won’t let me.” He glances back toward the store. “Arguing with you hurts my heart. I’m asking, honestly asking, why it matters. And not because I’m trying to be a dick about it or pissed that you won’t let me help you. I really want to know why it’s important. Help me to understand.”
He’s right about one thing. I’m pissed about the argument and irritated by his insistence that it’s no big deal for him to buy stuff for me.
“I’m not sure how to explain it.”
“I need you to try. I don’t like fighting.”
“Well, as you know, I don’t have much. The Facility gives us a small stipend for the work we do as a part of our rehabilitation into the world. It’s not much, but enough to buy life’s necessities.” I watch him closely, to see if he gets it. The confusion creasing his face tells me he doesn’t.
The truth of the matter is that the Facility supplies me with everything I need. Anything I want, all I have to do is ask. Whether that be new clothes, a new computer, a tablet to put my books on and silly games, it doesn’t matter. I ask and they provide.
But that’s another kind of slavery, a dependence on an outside agency that I need to fight. I want to be normal. Part of that is learning how to take care of myself and being able to provide for myself.
I try a different tack.
“Let me try it this way. Most of the kids there are not self-sufficient. The Facility is their legal guardian, and therefore, responsible for providing for all their needs.