showed me how to touch him, too.
“And then everything happened faster than I expected. I was more than a little buzzed on the rum, and I was eager not to seem like I was too young for this guy. That’s why I never said no. I never tried to shut him down. I just . . . let it happen.”
I felt something wet on the back of my hand. To my surprise, tears were running down my face. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d cried, but remembering all of this now, saying it out loud for the first time ever, I couldn’t help weeping for the girl who’d been so scared and alone that night.
“Zelda.” Now Eli did sound truly pained. Still, I couldn’t stop yet.
“Afterward, we both fell asleep. Or I thought we did. The only thing I know is that I was alone when I woke up. I . . . needed to clean myself up, so I found a bathroom and took care of that, and then I got dressed and went back downstairs to find him. But it was like he’d disappeared. Finally, I went outside with my cousin to find our friend, and that’s when I saw him. He was sitting by the firepit, and he had a girl in his lap. He was kissing her. And I realized then that I’d been just another notch in that guy’s belt. I realized he hadn’t cared about me at all. The conversation, the sweet-talk—all of that had been a means to an end, and once he got there, I didn’t matter anymore.”
“Holy fuck. Holy God. Zelda.” Eli buried his face in his hands. “The horses. I remember . . . you told me about riding horses and living on a farm in Lancaster. I remember it now.”
“Yeah, that was me.” I wrapped my arms around my legs and hugged them to me. “That was me, then. A long time ago.”
“You were Becca Licomb’s friend. I asked her about you, the next week. I said I’d met you at the party and asked about you. She said you hadn’t mentioned talking to me at all.”
I shook my head. “I never did. I never told anyone.”
“Zel, I’m so sorry. So fucking sorry.” At last, Eli lifted his eyes to meet mine. “No wonder you hated me the minute you saw me again here. God, what a prick I was. I’m so sorry. I wish—” He stopped, rubbing his forehead and closing his eyes. “I had no idea it was your first time. I tried to never hook up with virgins.”
“I always looked older than I was.” I lifted a shoulder. “I didn’t tell you. You couldn’t have known.”
“Fuck that, I should have asked. I should have cared enough to find out. I should—” Again, he broke off. “I’m a rat bastard. I was a cocky son-of-a-bitch. I thought I was entitled to have as much sex as I wanted. I was—” He groaned. “How can you even stand to be in the same room with me?”
“Hey.” I touched his foot and then realized he couldn’t feel me. Crawling up, I knelt alongside his hip, much as I’d done last May. “Eli. I didn’t tell you this so you could take a guilt trip. I don’t want your apology. I don’t want your sympathy. What happened is what happened, and neither of us can go back.”
“Did what I did—did what happened that night . . .” He pinched the comforter on the bed between two fingers, playing with it. “Is that what made you not trust anyone enough to be in a relationship?”
“I think that would be a very simplistic way of looking at it.” I laid my hand on his arm. “Eli, the decisions I’ve made for myself are just that—my decisions, for me. That night was one night in my life. If I said what you and I did had nothing to do with who I am now, I’d be lying. But you didn’t make me promises. You never said anything to make me think we were going to have a future. I was young, and I was naïve. I had unrealistic expectations, and I realized that pretty quickly. It wasn’t your fault.”
He stared at me, his eyes closing in a slow blink. “Still. I’m sorry. Why didn’t you tell me before?”
I tried for a smile. “There didn’t seem to be any point in it. When I realized you didn’t remember me at all, I just