to mean?”
“It means exactly that, Eli. It means I need to be able to breathe for a little bit and figure out—” She broke off, not looking at me.
“Figure out what? The job? What you want out of life? Or is it us you need to figure out, Zelda?”
“All of it, and don’t yell at me, please. I don’t like it.” She lifted her chin, and if I hadn’t known better, I might have thought none of this was affecting her. But I saw the slight tremor in her lips.
“Something happened. I don’t know what, but something happened to make you second guess everything. If you tell me what it is, maybe we can talk about it rationally, with no yelling.” I might’ve added a little bit of snark to that last line, but Zelda ignored it.
“Nothing happened, and I’m not second-guessing everything.” She could zing back with the best of them.
“Oh, no? Sure seems like it. First you tell me you’re looking to quit the Jungle and start working for a PAC. Not long ago, you would’ve described that as selling out, Zel. Just saying.”
Now she did look at me, her head jerking to the side as those blue eyes flared with ice. “It’s not selling out. Ag Direct represents farmers who are trying to do things in a more sustainable, organic and ecologically sound way. It’s not like I’m selling chemical fertilizer to farmers. This isn’t so different from the Jungle, only it’s got a greater impact.”
“And I’m sure it pays better.”
Zelda flinched and then rolled her eyes. “Okay, yes, this job does pay well. It pays well enough that I’ll be able to afford the apartment I want in Philadelphia, and I won’t have to worry about money. But that still doesn’t mean that I’m selling out. It means I’m making an informed decision.”
“Fine.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “So you’re taking a new job, moving to Philly to get your time and space . . . where does that leave us, Zelda? Are we on a break? Are we over? Are we back to being just friends who fuck? Illuminate me, sweetheart. I really want to know.”
Tears filled her eyes. “For the love of Christ, Eli, stop it. Can’t you just give me a little room for a little bit? It’s been a full-on shitty year. I don’t think it’s unreasonable that I feel stressed and overwhelmed—and that I need to be on my own for a little bit. I’m not saying we have to stop being who we are.”
“Are we still exclusive?” I bit out the words. “Or is part of this whole fucking mess the fact that you’re getting bored with me and want to go back to the smorgasbord? Are you planning to go back to random fucks, Zel? I think I have right to know that much, at least.”
She jumped to her feet and backed away from me. “You fucking . . . how can you ask me that? How can you say these things?” Opening a drawer, she began yanking out her clothes and pulled on a pair of jeans and a sweater. “You know, same goes, Eli. What’s to stop you from going back to how you used to be? You know, when you fucked girls without knowing them, without even paying attention enough to realize that they were virgins, and then hooked up with someone else the same night. Remember the good old days? Maybe I have a right to know that much, too.”
Anger boiled up in me. “If that’s what you still think about me deep down, then maybe you’re right. Maybe time and space would be good for both of us. I have no fucking clue what’s going on in your head, Zelda. Not one fucking clue. Everything was fine with us, and then for some reason, you just . . . checked out.” Realization began to glimmer. “That’s it, isn’t it? Things were getting too real for you. You panicked. That’s why you’re doing this.”
“Believe whatever gets you through the night, Eli.” She turned on her heel. “I’m going to sleep in Quinn’s old room tonight. Then I’ll start looking for a place to live, so I can be out of here.”
“Whatever the hell you want to do, do it. God knows you will, anyway.”
She slammed the door behind her, leaving me shaken and bewildered. I rubbed my hand over my forehead, while my stomach roiled.
I wanted to think this was just a spat,