and more demanding, even with meds, and Grammy and Gramps can’t handle her on their own anymore. So she’s in a hospital not too far from the farm. They visit her as much as they can . . . but I guess she said she wanted to come home for Thanksgiving this year. Grammy suggested they compromise on the weekend before, so that it’s not so overwhelming when the entire family shows up on the actual holiday.”
“Ah. Okay.” Eli nodded. “But you don’t want to see her?”
“Not really.” Closing my eyes, I dropped my forehead onto my folded hands. “That makes me sound like a cold bitch, doesn’t it? But it’s the truth.”
“No. It makes it sound like you’re protecting yourself, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”
“Maybe.” I cleared my throat. “Anyway. That’s what’s going on with me. Why do you ask?”
“Oh.” As if he’d almost forgotten the original question, Eli gave his head a little shake. “Oh, yeah. I was thinking about the essay that’s due right after Thanksgiving break. If you have time, I’d like to talk about it before we go our separate ways.”
“Which one is that?” I reached behind me for my notebook and flipped to the syllabus, running my finger along the lines of print until I found the right date. “This one? Sexual Consent in Shakespearean Plays?”
“That’s it. I think we’re supposed to use A Midsummer’s Night Dream as a basis for our discussion.” Eli shifted a bit in his spot on the bed, and I saw his tongue dart out to swipe over his lips. “I think I could use some input. It’s kind of a sensitive topic, right?”
“Um.” Suddenly, the room seemed a little bit warmer and smaller. I didn’t want to have a debate with Eli on the subject saying yes or no to sex. “Yeah, I guess it is.” I shot him a wink, trying to lighten the mood. “But rest easy. I’ve never taken a guy by force yet. I swear, they’ve all been mostly sober and completely willing.”
“It’s not you I’m worried about.” Eli stared down at the bed, his face drawn and his eyes filled with misery. “I think . . . God, this is not something I want to think about.”
“Then don’t,” I suggested. I had a sudden presentiment about what he was going to say, and I desperately wanted to avoid it.
“But maybe I should. Because . . . Zelda, I told you I was a jerk before.”
“I think you said dick, actually.” I tried for a smile, but Eli didn’t comply.
“Right. Either one works. I had lots of sex with lots of girls. Like, sometimes . . .” He drew in a ragged breath. “More than one a night. I was not a nice guy, Zel.”
“Okay. I’m not sure what you want me to say here. Is this about confession and absolution? Because I’m absolutely not qualified if it is. You know I’m not exactly lily white when it comes to sex and monogamy.”
“No. It’s not about confession—not really. It’s about regret. It’s about how my actions back then might have affected the girls I was with.”
“You were careful, though, right?” In my mind’s eye, I could see him reaching for a condom. “You were safe, weren’t you?”
“Yeah, as far as I can remember. And I wasn’t usually that wasted if I was hooking up. To the best of my knowledge, I always used a condom. But I’m not talking about STDs or pregnancy here. I’m thinking that maybe not all the girls I had sex with were . . . completely aware. Maybe they were drunker than I thought. Maybe . . .” His voice trailed off.
“I’m sure you were probably good about checking. I can’t imagine you taking advantage of someone on purpose.” I swallowed hard. What I’d just said wasn’t true. I knew he wasn’t always sure about the girls he’d slept with, because I’d been one of them. And while I hadn’t told him no, hadn’t fought him off—hadn’t actually even tried to stop him—neither had he realized the extent of my inexperience that night. And he’d been so intent on fucking me that I wasn’t certain he’d have stopped if I had told him no.
“So many of them, I didn’t even know.” He raked his hand through his light brown hair, leaving it standing on end. “The girls who were from my high school were one thing. I knew which ones were down for casual and which ones I