trying.” He follows me.
A tear falls down my face as I reach into the fridge for a yogurt. “Be like what?”
“Quiet. Standoffish. I want you to pretend we never happened.”
“But we did.”
“Raina,” he whispers, agonized.
I whirl around and snap. My inner struggle is set free. “I like you, Kent. I think you’re funny, and unbelievably sexy, and I can’t stop thinking about you no matter how hard I try. I can’t even look at you without wanting to be with you. But I also know you’re unattainable. You treat women like shit and what makes me different? Nothing! I’m no different to you than Auburn Hair or the girl that left you choking on your own puke. We’re all the same because none of us are your ex-fiancée.”
He gasps and steps back, grabbing at his chest. “Who told you that? Did James tell you?”
“You told me when you were drunk, you idiot. You told me how you cheated on her. How you’re just like my pathetic drug addict father who always cheated on my mom and she never left him. He dragged her down right along with him for love. She chose him over her daughters. She left us alone in our house for a month with no food or money before Social Services came to get us. I was thirteen the last time I saw my parents. Because my dad is like you!” I stab at his chest with my finger. “Every man is just like him. You’re all pathetic, ungrateful, horrible creatures! That’s why I’m still a virgin. I refuse to let any of you touch me. In fact, I’m never touching another man like you again for the rest of my life.”
His mouth hangs open and shock widens his eyes. “Raina…I didn’t know. I’m sorry. That’s some heavy shit.”
“Don’t touch me!” I screech when he reaches for me. I wildly avoid him, dropping what’s in my hands and fighting him off. “Don’t touch me!”
“Stop fighting me,” he orders sharply, wrapping my flailing body in his arms. “I wasn’t always like this. I would never want to hurt you. That’s why we have to stop this. Stop us. I’ll hurt you. You don’t deserve that. Do you want me to hurt you?”
He doesn’t deserve an answer.
I refuse to move in his arms for fear I will hug him back. I can’t hug him, despite how good his arms feel wrapped around me. Sometimes when I lose it I remember how even though I have Becca I still secretly yearn for someone to hold me together; for someone to hold on while I fall. But this man isn’t mine to hug. He’s Willow’s, and every other girl’s.
“I’m not your father,” he insists when I continue to fight him. “I’m not me right now either. You really want this guy?” He releases my body and grabs my face between his hands, holding me in place so he can crush me. “This womanizing prick who only wants to make women burn?”
“Let me go. We’re friends. Fine. Whatever.” I feel so drained. So completely empty.
“But you don’t want to be my friend.”
“I want the opposite of friendship from you,” I reveal bitterly. “I want kisses that aren’t in a bathroom or when I’m drunk. I want hugs when you’re sober and when I’m not upset. I want a man who makes me feel happy for once. Not miserable. All you do is make me miserable.” Tears stream down my face. “And yet I still want those kisses. I need them. I want those hugs. They feel like they’re the only things holding me together.” My chest rises and falls rapidly at my admission. I don’t understand half of it, but then again I don’t need to for it to be real. “But I also know you’re not going to give that to me. You’re not worth the misery. So just let me go. Please, Kent, let me go.”
He knows what I’m asking. He holds on to me for a little longer. I wonder why if he’s still in love with Willow. But in the end Kent drops his arms and takes a step back, doing exactly what I knew he would.
“I was right. You do deserve better than the couch. You deserve someone who can make you feel as good as you deserve, who kisses you and doesn’t think about their ex. Who can appreciate the goodness that’s inside of you. You deserve someone just like you, Rain.”
I lean against the counter