the restaurant were watching and the manager was hovering by the bar, all of them sensing something big was about to kick off.
‘I thought so.’ Jason turned and went to leave, as though he’d won.
‘You know she’s had to start seeing the doctor again,’ Mandy shouted after him.
‘Mandy, shut up!’ shouted Vicky.
Jason stopped and, although he kept his face forward, I could tell he was listening to every word. Jason had told me that, in the past, Vicky had been prescribed antidepressants.
Mandy made eye contact with me and held it while she delivered her next line.
‘He said she could do with being able to talk to someone who truly understands what she’s going through. You know, someone like you, Jason.’
I felt my gut contract.
Vicky hid her face in her hands.
Jason shook his head and I could tell he was trying to make out he didn’t care, that Vicky meant nothing to him, that her plight was no longer his concern.
It was a struggle but, eventually, he managed to turn away and walked out of the restaurant into the night. He didn’t wait or hold the door.
Mandy shot me a sly look of triumph and went back to her menu.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Sunday morning, and I woke to the sight of Jason on the floor. Already in his shorts and T-shirt, he was busy putting on his trainers.
‘You’re up early.’
‘I need to clear my head,’ he said, pulling his laces so tight the skin on his hands blanched a temporary grey.
‘Will you be gone long?’
‘Not sure,’ he said, velcroing his iPod holder to his bicep.
‘What about later?’ I asked. ‘Maybe we could drive out to the country, have a pub lunch?’
Making an ‘mmm’ sound, he stood up, placed his right leg on the bedside table and inched his head towards his knee. While he waited for the hamstring to capitulate, he reached down and zipped up the lightweight jacket he favoured for particularly long runs. Repeating the exercise on his left leg, he plugged in his white earbuds and, after giving me a kiss goodbye, somewhere between my cheek and mouth, he disappeared down the stairs.
The whole time he’d been getting ready I’d kept my face normal, my voice cheery, but as soon as I heard the front door close I nested the duvet up and over my head.
Jason didn’t want a baby. Not until Barney was found.
I knew that, with the help of IVF, some women managed to conceive well into their forties. But I also knew there were no guarantees. The longer we waited, the older I got, the harder it would be. Maybe it had been naive to think he’d want us to have a child together, but still, until last night I’d thought, I’d hoped. I burrowed further into the quilt, trying to lose myself in sleep, and had just begun to drift when I was startled awake by the phone.
Reluctant to leave my cocoon, I reached out my arm, patting the floor until I came upon my handbag. Plunging my hand inside, I yanked it out and hoisted myself up to sitting.
‘Hello,’ I said, breathless from the effort.
‘Have I caught you in the middle of something?’
‘What? No, no,’ I said, disoriented. ‘I was in bed and …’ I stopped mid-sentence, realising I had no idea to whom I was explaining myself. ‘Who is this?’
‘Tommy.’
‘Tommy?’
‘Told you I’d be in touch.’
My business card. He took it that day.
‘You’re being all shy,’ he said when I didn’t respond. ‘But I bet on the other end of that phone you’re smiling that lovely smile. Like sunshine, it is.’
I remembered the pressure of his hand on the inside of my thigh.
‘I’m calling to see what you’re up to tomorrow night? I know this lovely little pub. Out in the country: Lamesley Pastures. The Ravensworth Arms. You can see the Angel of the North through the windows of the snug.’ He waited a beat. ‘It has some lovely rooms upstairs.’
I thought about the other men I’d come across like him in the past. Men who, even as teenagers, are full of secrets and experience. Men who you sensed, just from the weight of their palm on your hip, had always known what to do.
‘I’m washing my hair,’ I said, trying to make it clear I wasn’t taking him or the prospect of infidelity seriously.
‘I’m going to be there anyway, so you don’t have to give me an answer now. Just come along on the night if you feel like it.’
‘Got to go,’ I said,