I clutched the broken bits of compass to my chest. Barney came closer, trying to peer at the mangled mess. I caught his eye, and, thinking I was going to admonish him, he went to retreat. Not before I could reach out and squash him to me. Letting the scraps of compass fall away, I held him tight, so very, very tight, the miniature springs and coils scattered at our feet. This boy, this beautiful, precious lost boy, found at last. After a little while he took my hand and, helping me up to standing, he guided me forward, towards the mall’s sliding glass doors and the warmth within.
Inside, Christmas lights blared overhead and tinny carols blurted from the mall’s sound system. We drifted with the crowds, forward, to Santa’s Grotto in the central atrium. Made out of glittering white and blue fibreglass, it was designed to look like a giant sleigh chock-full of presents, and had a battalion of huge, silver reindeer out front. Taking a seat on one of the benches that lined the surrounding walls, I looked through my bag until I found my mobile and called Jason.
As his phone began to ring I looked at the queue for Santa’s Grotto. It stretched almost all the way back to the other end of the shopping centre. Balloon blowers and magicians were working their way up and down the crowd, trying to pacify the waiting kids.
I watched as a clown approached a small boy in the queue. Sitting on his father’s shoulders, he stared agog as the clown turned, twisted and tied a limp red balloon into a fantastic reindeer, complete with antlers. The clown presented the reindeer to the boy and he squealed with delight.
On the other end of the line I heard Jason’s phone click through to voicemail. Still focused on the kid with the balloon, I wondered if I should try calling Vicky instead. It meant she would get here first, but that was OK. Jason would soon follow.
The kid gave his reindeer balloon a kiss and then reached down to touch the reindeer to his dad’s cheek, miming another peck. The dad smiled and then, as though in some kind of a chain reaction, he turned round and gave his wife standing next to him a kiss on the mouth.
I looked at Barney, sitting by me on the bench, and imagined him sandwiched between Vicky and Jason. A complete family unit. I turned back to the family with the reindeer balloon. They were just strangers in the queue and there was no reason for them to acknowledge or include me in any way, but suddenly I felt left out, invisible. Absolutely, totally invisible.
Chapter Fifty-Six
The taxi pulled up outside Carla’s flat just before six. She’d said she would be away at the conference until tomorrow night and, as Tommy knew where I lived, I’d decided this was the next best place to keep Barney safe until I could get hold of Jason.
I’d spent all afternoon trying to get in touch. While we’d wandered around the shopping centre I’d dialled his number again and again. Jason had always said that, come the day his son was found, he hoped to be able to go to him straightaway. That he didn’t want their reunion to be mediated by the police or psychologists, authorities who would only give him access once they’d finished with all their tests and checks. And so it was for that reason – because I wanted him to have this time alone with Barney before everyone else got involved – that I continued to call him and not the police. But each time it kept ringing through to voicemail. I was sure he was ignoring me. That I was being punished for what I’d said, or what I’d almost said, this morning. Still, unwilling and unable to leave a message about something of such import, I kept trying. He couldn’t stay angry with me for ever.
Inside, Carla’s flat was cold and dark. I went through each room, turning on the lights and closing the curtains. Before long, Jasper, excited by the prospect of company, slinked his way around my legs, wanting to be fed.
Despite my best efforts to keep him distracted, Barney had become more and more nervy and withdrawn during the journey here. Now, as Jasper brushed past him, he cried out in fear.
I picked Jasper up and showed him to Barney.
‘Don’t be scared. Look. It was just the cat. He’s called Jasper.